ţlīthā qūm

Jonah (minus the whale)...

2011-12-06T15:44:00.006-06:00

I know its been awhile since I've updated! Life is as hectic as usual. The crazy weather changes (hot one day, freezing the next) have brought along some yuckiness for my sweet Stephen. He was sick for about 2 1/2 weeks, first with a virus, then a mild ear infection (doctor said he was happy it was the first infection in 3 months, and it wasn't even a bad one...thank you to our chiropractor and to warm garlic oil!), then a feeding tube infection. The tube infection was the worst part because he vomited alot. It hurt for him to be fed so he lost some weight too. 2 rounds of antibiotics later, he is doing much better. Plus he gained back all his weight!

We are now doing a partial blenderized diet with him also - meaning he is now taking some real foods blended into his hypoallergenic formula. So far, he has had no reaction to apples, pears, sweet potatoes, regular potatoes, bananas (slight constipation with those), chicken, turkey, peas, spinach, strawberries, broccoli, mango, and oatmeal. Woohoo! This already means that there are plenty of things he CAN eat without a reaction, aside from the milk/soy protein intolerance. I am using either organic packets of baby food or making it myself. I like blending it myself better but since time is often limited, I do buy organic packets of food also.

Finally, Thanksgiving Day was a huge breakthrough for him with eating!!! At dinner that night, he had 15 bites of food by mouth! That is the most he's ever taken. I had to put the food in his mouth for him, and each bite was tiny tiny, but he ate it! We have been rejoicing because he has been doing great each day with trying to eat. I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO proud of him!!!!!

A few days ago, a ministry that I follow on Twitter shared a YouTube video that a teen named Jonah made. I have no idea if Jonah was being for real or if it was just a ploy. Even if it was fake, it is a very real example of how many teens today are feeling. They are so lost. Everywhere they go someone is screaming a different message at them. I think this generation of kids and teens are experiencing a true identity crisis (though it has been in past generations also). It's even harder when you are the type of teen who isn't the football star or the homecoming queen. Bullying is at its worst and teen suicide rates have skyrocketed. In my hometown alone, the last 6 months has seen more students take their lives than you can count on 2 hands! The following video of Jonah broke my heart, but I think it needs to be seen by adults who are raising this generation of kids and the next.

I pray that this is something I will never see with my son. It is my deepest hearts cry that God would guide me in raising him to know who he is in Christ, so that he will want to serve Him wholeheartedly and live in His light.

I know I am not a perfect parent, and that Stephen is only 15 months old. But I am seeing way too many adults messing up kids' lives. I have chosen to not be a passive, blind, ignorant parent. There are already influences in Stephen's life that are working to take him out of God's hands, and I am refusing to let them win.

Parents, it's time to step up. Quit sitting around playing on the computer or doing your own adult thing all the time. Get your kids off of the computer and spend time with them. Don't shove your kids out the door or shove them into the next cool sport/club/activity. Get involved in your kids/teens' lives! Teach them the Word of God. LOVE them. Make life worth living in any way that you can, even if its just doing laundry together. Be creative. Get on the floor and interact! Have family dinners, talk about things, play games together and turn off the cell phones and the Playstations! Don't let your kids fall to the wayside because of your own ignorance and passiveness. Go to battle for your childrens' souls! Because whether you believe it or not, Satan is trying to win them over, and he's doing a good job of it.

"Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it." ~ Proverbs 22:6 (New Living Translation, emphasis mine)

grace and gratitude...

2011-10-27T13:31:00.004-05:00

I’ve been angry for a long time. For about a year to be exact. Angry and sad and scared and broken and confused and frustrated… and angry.

Angry at the unexpected, angry at things unnecessary, angry at broken dreams, angry at God. Angry at people who were supposed to be experts, angry at doctors who lied or didn’t care. Angry at friends and family who made me feel crazy. Angry at Christians for wanting me to get it together.

Angry at not being able to help my son. Angry that I thought God didn’t plan for Christians to have special needs children. Angry at those who seemed to have it so easy with their children. Angry that God had “blessed” others and not our family. Angry at those who gave up on me.

Angry that my child has had to hurt/suffer. Angry that we don’t know what went wrong. Angry that we don’t know how to prevent it from happening again. Angry that I felt God didn’t want me to be a mother.

Just. so. angry.

A year later, that anger is gone.

There are days that I am aware of the hurt that still clings to my heart in subtle ways. I still cry, but instead of every day, it is only once or twice a week.

But the anger has been replaced. I no longer go through almost every day focusing on the “what if’s,” the “why’s,” the “how’s,” the “what happened’s,” the “why me’s” and the “why them’s.”

What has replaced the anger? There are 2 things: Grace and gratitude.

The Grace of God. And gratitude, for what He has done and for what we have that could have been taken away.

I no longer look at Stephen and think if only he would/could eat, life would be great. I no longer see the problem. I see beauty, through God’s eyes. I see the gorgeous, beautiful, happy baby boy that I dreamed of when I was pregnant. I no longer see what he isn’t, but what he is. I no longer see what he can’t do, but what he can do. I see a child that is an absolute miracle, who, if but for the Grace of God, might not be here.

There are 10,000,000 other things that could have gone wrong. There are 10,000,000 other problems/issues he could have. When he was choking and turning blue, he could have died. When he stopped eating and stopped gaining weight, he could have starved. When doctors dismissed him, he could have gotten even more behind developmentally.

But he didn’t and he’s not, because of God’s Grace. And I am so unbelievably THANKFUL.

The more I get on my knees, the more I read God’s Word, the more I hear God speaking through gracious loving people, the more time I spend in His presence, and the more I focus on giving to others in need, the more I am filled with this gratitude because of His Grace.

I’ve literally felt like I’ve lived in a deep dark hole for months, a hole that was filled with anger, and then desperation from trying to get out myself. By my own stupidity, I wasn’t going to get out of that hole until God decided that I wanted Him to help me get out. He kept offering His hand, kept saying He’d pull me out, but I kept refusing because I had a “right” to be angry. I had fallen, down, down, down, so far down that I didn’t have any more strength to try and get back up.

But because of God’s Grace, I’m not in that hole anymore. I’m not even on flat ground. I’m slowly trekking up the mountain, and I’m bringing my precious little boy with me. And we are going to get to the top, by the Grace of God. And I am ridiculously full of GRATITUDE. More gratitude than anyone could understand. And there is an overwhelming sense of HOPE that I’ve been given that was wiped out.

God’s Words says that Jesus never leaves us nor forsakes us (Hebrews 13:5-6). That we can find Hope in Him, Hope that is real (Romans 15:13). That He knows us inside and out and searches our hearts (Psalm 139).

God says that we have been bought at a price through Christ’s death (1 Corinthians 7:23), and He knows every hair on our head (Matthew 10:30). That He is the one who gives and takes away (Job 1:21). That He forms life in the womb in every detail (Psalm 139:13), and He has a future and a plan for each of us (Jeremiah 29:11).

God’s Word says that we cannot understand all the ways of God as fallible man (Ecclesiastes 11:5), yet He will lead us on a straight path if we put our trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5-6).

The Lord tells us that we must walk by faith, and not by what we see (2 Corinthians 5:7). He promises us that if we come to Him in prayer, with thanksgiving, He will calm our anxious hearts (Philippians 4:6). And He says that when we can’t comprehend what’s going on, we can still have complete peace (Philippians 4:7).

Jesus wants for us to realize that if he cares for a tiny sparrow, providing food and shelter, He will care for us 1,000 times more (Matthew 6:26). God tells us to seek Him first, and everything else will somehow come together (Matthew 6:33). He tells us not to worry about tomorrow, to take it one day at a time (Matthew 6:34).

Jesus said He came so that we could have life that was abundant (John 10:10), and that by His own stripes, there is healing (Isaiah 53:5). He says that what the world considers to be blessings are actually total opposite of His idea of blessings (Matthew 5).

Jesus said that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, that we can move (or climb) mountains (Matthew 17:20). That if we just trust Him, TRUST HIM, we can walk on water (Matthew 14) and do great works in His name (John 14:12).

My heart is so full these days, because it is full of gratitude for the Grace of God. Even though life is not the same as it used to be and it’s nothing like what others might consider normal, it is a life that God is working on, working in, and working through.

I know I have a long way to go still to get to where I need to be. But, every day that I wake up, I say thank you God, thank you for your Grace, thank you for my sweet Stephen who I know, without You, may not be in my life. Every night when I go to bed, I am thankful, even if the day has been hard or frustrating.

God keeps pouring out heaps of mercy and Grace on us. We don’t deserve it; I don’t deserve it. But for the first time in a long, long time, I am truly, utterly full of gratitude.

understanding feeding aversions/disorders, part 2...

2011-10-11T22:03:00.009-05:00

(If you have not read part 1 of understanding feeding disorders/aversions, please CLICK HERE first. If you did get to read it the first time, it may help to go back and read it again to remember the other 6 myths. If you do go read part 1, just click Tlitha Qum at the top to get back here.) :)

Myth #7: If there’s such a thing as a feeding disorder, then why have I never heard of it?

Feeding disorders are much like autism was 50 years ago. It was definitely around, but was not as prevalent as it is today. People didn’t know about it or understand it because it wasn’t talked about, there was little awareness, and not many educators or doctors knew how to help children who had it. These days, every 1 out of 150 children have some type of autism spectrum disorder, and almost everyone knows of someone whose child has it. Most likely in 100 years, feeding disorders will be just as “heard of” as other different needs. Today, 6-35% of children have some type of feeding disorder. It is hard to imagine a baby or child not wanting to eat or struggling to eat. But the rising numbers of books, feeding clinics/programs, and research institutions are a testament to the fact that feeding disorders/aversions do exist and are prevailing.

Myth #8: Kids who don’t like to eat are just picky eaters; a feeding disorder is too serious of a title to give a simple problem like that.

A feeding disorder is not the same as a picky eater. Even picky eaters eat what they need to maintain weight and get enough nutrition orally. Picky eaters may not like certain types of foods, but they eat large amounts of what they like to eat, which in turn keeps them healthy. Also, the great majority of picky eaters do not have any other underlying medical issues that make eating difficult, frustrating, or painful.

Myth #9: Your baby doesn’t look like he/she is struggling, so it must be made up. Don’t kids who have problems look like something is wrong with them?

NO! If you walk into any therapy clinic, or a regular classroom, it would be extremely difficult to pick out which children have special needs based on how they look alone. Some special needs are more severe than others. But some medical conditions are not obvious to the outside world. Even adults with some cancers, arthritis, diabetes, fibromyalgia, and other things do not always look unhealthy. Many adults are good at masking their pain or problems; so are children, especially children who have a typical personality and zest for life. In fact, the majority of children who have trouble eating for whatever cause, look like perfectly normal children. Of course, there are children whose special needs do affect their outside appearance, such as muscular dystrophy, cerebral palsy, and Down syndrome. When it comes to feeding, there are varying degrees of these diagnoses as well. I’ve seen children who have only mild Down syndrome who eat perfectly fine, but have trouble doing other things, like jumping rope and learning in school. I’ve seen children who have no mental handicaps, no developmental problems, and are brilliant cognitively, but have oral-motor dysfunction that prevents them from being able to chew, swallow and digest food. Not all children fit into one specific category, nor are all at the same level of disability/difficulty, even in the world of special needs.

The set-back for most people with Stephen is that he has weight on him, and he is always happy. He has gained weight because we weren’t going to let him starve, even if it meant forcing him to drink formula or bottle- feeding him around the clock while he was asleep, which worked until he completely refused and needed a tube. He is happy because we love him, we want his life to be full of joy, and we treat him as though absolutely nothing is wrong.

Now that we’ve gotten past all 9 myths, let’s look at what Kennedy Krieger, which has the #1 Feeding Disorders Clinic/Program/Research Institute in the world, says about feeding disorders:

“A child with a feeding disorder does not consume enough food (or liquid, or a broad enough variety of food) to gain weight and grow normally. General feeding difficulties are relatively common among most children. For example, a child may be a picky eater and consume a limited number of foods, but the foods eaten span all the food groups and provide a well-balanced diet. A child with a feeding disorder, on the other hand, may only eat a few foods, completely avoiding entire food groups, textures or liquids necessary for proper development. As a result, children diagnosed with feeding disorders are at greater risk for compromised physical and cognitive development. Children with feeding disorders may also develop slower, experience behavioral problems and even fail to thrive. Severe feeding disorders can cause families and children to feel socially isolated.…

There are many different types of feeding disorders, and they can take on one or more of the following forms:

• Trouble accepting and swallowing different food textures

• Throwing tantrums at mealtimes

• Refusing to eat certain food groups

• Refusing to eat any solids or liquids

• Choking, gagging or vomiting when eating

• Oral motor and sensory problems

• Gastrostomy (g-tube) or naso-gastric (ng-tube) dependence

Feeding disorders typically develop for several reasons, including medical conditions (food allergies), anatomical or structural abnormalities (e.g., cleft palate), and reinforcement of inappropriate behavior (i.e. force feeding). In most cases, no single factor accounts for a child's feeding difficulties. Rather, several factors interact to produce them. While a wide spectrum of factors can contribute to feeding disorders, certain medical and psychological conditions may accompany them:

• Gastrointestinal motility disorders

• Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD)

• Palate defects

• Failure to thrive

• Prematurity

• Oral-Motor Dysfunction (dysfunctional swallow, dysphagia, oral-motor dysphagia)

• Esophagitis

• Gastritis

• Duodenitis

• Food allergies

• Delayed exposure to a variety of foods

• Behavior management issues

• Short Gut Syndrome”

Feeding (both eating and drinking) is a complex process. When just one little part of the entire process is out of sync, is difficult, is painful, or is delayed, an infant or child can develop a feeding disorder or aversion. If there are other special needs, underlying medical conditions, or disorders going on with the child, it can make eating that much harder.

For Stephen, we believe everything began when he was born early, causing sensory issues and lack of a desire to consume what he needed to grow; things worsened when he began to reflux so severely that he would choke/gag, aspirate, turn blue-purple, and ended up needing surgery. He felt pain, therefore would only eat while sound asleep, or if we literally poured it down him so that he would gain weight. This snowballed into more sensory problems, which made him refuse to eat altogether, creating a need for a feeding tube.

Dr. Joel Macht, author of the book Poor Eaters, understands children like Stephen extremely well. In an interview with reflux guru Jan Gambino, he writes the following:

“I doubt it’s possible to prevent the gamut of problems associated with reflux and other feeding issues. Some food aversion can’t be avoided—some children experience physical discomfort from eating before we realize it, and that discomfort sets the stage for them to begin avoiding what produced the unpleasantness—eating. Likewise, some children, by necessity, are fed argumentatively from their earliest days. Satisfaction from hunger, therefore, occurs without their active participation—they feel better but they have no idea why. Requiring these children to quite suddenly consume food by mouth is often met with closed lips, turned heads, and loud screams. (If that weren’t enough, if a child learns that loud screaming causes a parent to terminate a feeding session, the child will log that lesson for future use. That, by the way, is a behavior issue.) It’s essential, therefore, to feed a child only when he’s hungry. Feeding him (forcing him) when he’s not hungry is asking for all sorts of trouble. Further, it’s quite likely that a day-old-child knows pain and has the capacity to begin avoiding it. It’s critical, therefore, to investigate whether swallowing solids or liquids produces physical discomfort. Infants do learn to turn their heads toward food. It’s just as likely they learn (quickly) to turn their heads away from food. So, find a doc who understands how hunger and pain influence a child’s willingness to eat by mouth.

The poor eater I referred to in [my] book refused food not so much because of preferences, but because he had forgotten, or never learned, that eating by mouth was an enjoyable activity that produced pleasant tastes and reduced the discomfort from hunger. Instead, he had learned that swallowing and eating were painful and frightening, and he had learned adaptive ways to avoid eating. In my judgment, had the poor eater not experienced hospitalization or illness that interfered with a natural eating sequence, had he not, by necessity, been fed by tube, had he not experienced persistent reflux or gagging, had he not come to associate eating with fear and discomfort, he would have happily eaten a taco (or a bowl of cereal) of his own design.

A final word, not so much about prevention, but about progress. Eating problems take time to develop. Reversing them takes time as well. Eating and feeding have become activities to avoid. If there is a common characteristic that universally crosses this population of chronically refluxing youngsters, it is that eating is rarely a satisfying experience. And because feeding must occur several times a day, every day of every week, frustration, disappointment and, unfortunately, anger are frequent visitors to the experience. Poor eaters and unhappy parents often follow. It takes a good plan, it takes consistency, and it takes patience. Be prepared for that frustrating two steps forward, one step backwards dance. Dig deep and find your optimism. Wear it boldly so your child can feel it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks so much for reading!!! I hope this helps some of you understand more about Stephen’s condition and answers questions you might have. If you have any other questions, would like more information, or have a child with reflux, a feeding disorder, sensory issues, etc... and need someone to talk to, please contact me through my email address on my profile!

(All factual information and quotes were taken from PAGER.org, infantrefluxdisease.org, the Kennedy-Krieger Institute for Pediatric Feeding Disorders, and the book Just Take a Bite.)

our song...

2011-10-01T15:53:00.003-05:00

*UPDATE (10/3/11)*

Well, we have some pretty crazy news. On Sunday, Stephen had been screaming everytime his diaper was changed; we couldn't figure out why. I reached down to find something hard coming out of his bum. It was a CHUNK of styrofoam from a ball he apparently bit into, then swallowed. I don't know how in the world he was able to pass it. Intestinal blockage = no digestion = constant vomiting. All ER doc had to do was a simple X-ray, and they would have found that. He is doing amazingly better. We are not even sure if he had a stomach bug, as he has not vomited once all day today, not even spit-up!!! Please pray he gains weight back, he lost over a pound total. Thank you SO much to those who were praying!

*Original Post*

We have had a REALLY really rough week. Last Thursday, Stephen started acting like he felt bad, and that night he started throwing up around 2 a.m. or so. I thought maybe it was gas or he was just having a bad reflux day, but it kept happening. By Sunday, he was vomiting ridiculous amounts, more than he's thrown up (not spit-up) since way back in December before his first surgery to stop the reflux. He also started having watery bowls, so we took him to the doctor Monday who confirmed he had a stomach bug and it was going around. He was on nothing but Pedialyte after that. Thinking things were getting better, we stopped the Pedialyte after 24 hours and started back on some formula. The vomiting got worse, until he couldn't keep anything down, not even Pedialyte. Thursday we took him back to the doctor who said it was still just a stomach bug, and he gave us some nausea meds. That day he threw up 7 times, with large puddles of liquid on the floor everytime. :(

DH and I were scared sick so yesterday morning (Friday) I called Stephen's Ped. to tell him things weren't getting better, and he was getting ready to go out of town. So, I texted the Nurse Pract. who works with his surgeon at the hospital, and she said take him to the ER asap. At the ER he threw up again (and had already done so once that morning), and they gave him another kind of nausea medicine. They did a blood test, urine test and checked the rest of his body for anything unusual. The labs all came back normal and so they gave him some Pedialyte. He kept an ounce down after the medicine they gave him. They decided to let him go home and for him to stay on nothing but Pedialyte, with getting 1 oz. per hour (talk about exhausting). It has worked, although he has still vomited some. But at least dehydration is no longer a worry. He's lost 8 oz., but I know he'll gain it back! Last night was the first night we both slept all night since last week!

Please keep praying that the stomach issues go away and that he'll be able to have his formula again soon without anymore vomiting! We had the reflux under control for the most part (except when he's sick), but the vomiting is extremely scary with a reflux kid. He shouldn't even be able to vomit, but the reflux surgery he had to strengthen his esophogus hasn't worked like we thought it would. Over time the stitches usually do loosen, but the food is still supposed to stay down. His surgeon said if there's enough pressure and the child is sick enough, that food is going to come up no matter what you do.

Thank you for praying!

Anyway, this post is titled "the song" and I'll get to that. A few weeks ago, DH bought me the new Mat Kearney CD, which is extremely awesome. While listening to it, one song really stood out to me, called "Sooner or Later." Actually, the lyrics are so awesome, it made me cry, but its a really hopeful and uplifting song.

So, I decided that this was going to be me and Stephen's song. DH and I have a song, but Stephen and I didn't until now. Everytime I feel worried or want to cry, I put on the CD, and Stephen and I dance. I think he loves it too. :) Here is the song from YouTube so you can listen to it. The lyrics are underneath. Enjoy!

We’re all standing with our backs against the wall

Sooner or later
Waiting on a phone that never calls, at all
Heartbreak comes, rollin’ in like a storm
Sooner or later
Trying to swim but you’re sinking like a stone, alone

And I can feel fire in the night waiting here
Baby it’s like we’re walking on a wire through the fear
Take my hand, we’ll get there

Sooner or later, I swear
we’re gonna make it, we’re gonna make it,
Sooner or later, I swear
we’re gonna make it, we’re gonna make it

Milk and honey ’til we get our fill
I’ll keep chasing it, I always will

Sooner or later, I swear
We’ll make it there
Sooner than later

We’re all waiting on a dream that’s hard to own,
sooner or later
Trying to feel the high without the low, you know

You can feel fire in the night lying here
Baby it’s like we’re walking on a wire through the fear
Take my hand, we’ll get there

The fear inside,
the hills we’ve climbed
The tears this side of heaven,
all these dreams inside of me
I swear we're gonna get there

The fear inside,

the hills we’ve climbed (sooner or later)
The tears this side of heaven,
all these dreams inside of me
I swear we're gonna get there

I swear we’re gonna get there
Sooner or later

a mile...

2011-09-20T11:31:00.002-05:00

A Mile in My Shoes

by Me

What would your life be like,
If you walked a mile in my shoes?

Could you possibly bear the weight,
Of a situation you did not choose?

As you hold your precious child
Knowing he will not eat or drink
Each day would you say “no big deal”
Or instead, what would you think?

When you hear the doctors’ answers
Would you yell, cry or be strong?
Could you handle all the pain
Of wondering what you did wrong?

Surgeries and therapies
Each procedure comes and goes
As his mother you feel so alone
While battling many foes

Everyone has an answer
And buckets full of advice
They say what comes to mind
Without ever thinking twice

Their thoughts may be rude and careless
Their words bring such despair
You try to explain to help them see
But instead you receive blank stares

With all my heart I thank the Lord
For those with empathy and compassion
God will bless you for your prayers,
For your love, your gentle reaction

No, no one can comprehend
What life is like with my son
But that’s why God gave him to me
And said that I am chosen

He knew I’d feel like a failure
And question His will for me
But still He says “Sara, Stephen is mine,
And I have set you free.”

100 things and a video...

2011-09-02T21:39:00.003-05:00

I know it seems like it has been forever since I last wrote on here. We have been so incredibly busy!

Believe it or not, Stephen just celebrated his 1 year birthday!!! We had an awesome party with tons of friends and family. We were hoping he would dig into his cake, and though he didn't eat any, he sure did smash it everywhere! We got some great pics...which I will share next time.

First, I want to share something I wrote for Stephen and have been working on for a few days. It's called "100 Things I Love About Stephen." I printed it and put it in his baby book for when he is older. I love him SO much, and here are 100 reasons why (though I have 1,000s)!!!

100 Things I Love About Stephen:

1. His sweet, precious smile

2. His infectious laugh

3. His great personality

4. His toes

5. His beautiful blonde-ish hair

6. His wake-up-in-the-morning smile (even when he’s sick!)

7. His determination

8. His curiosity

9. His gorgeous eyes

10. His gorgeous eyelashes (women pay money for ones like his!)

11. How cute he looks in his clothes

12. His chunky thighs

13. His little kissable lips

14. His adventurous spirit

15. How cute he looks when he crawls

16. The way he bounces constantly

17. When he dances to music

18. When he “sings” to music (esp. in the car!)

19. How happy he gets when he hears “Jesus Loves Me”

20. How he falls asleep in church during the quiet worship times

21. When he plays with his Daddy

22. His cuddles and affection

23. His slobbery “kisses”

24. His cheeks…so kissable

25. When he kicks his little legs when he’s happy

26. His mellow attitude

27. His button nose

28. How he loves Mickey Mouse

29. How he loves to “read” a book

30. How his face lights up when his Daddy comes home

31. The way he snuggles with a blankie

32. When he “talks” to his friends (toys, stuffed animals, etc)

33. When he “talks” to me and Daddy

34. The way he says “ma-ma” (he’s starting to recognize it’s me!)

35. How loving he is…he loves everyone he meets

36. How he growls when he doesn’t like something/is mad (like a bear-cub!)

37. How he laughs in a new way at different things

38. What he does when he gets a new toy

39. His puppy dog eyes when he’s sad

40. His little pout

41. His eyebrows and how he raises them and uses them to communicate!

42. How much he loves his rocking horse!

43. How excited he is when he sees a doggie or kitty

44. How quickly he learns new things

45. The way he “flirts” with girls (ALL girls, haha)

46. How he always smiles when you take his picture!

47. When he screams in happiness in the middle of a quiet place/store

48. That he loves being outside

49. That he loves watching the sun through the window

50. How proud of himself he is when he does something

51. His flexibility…he can do the splits! Haha

52. His love of fishes, the ocean, aquariums (just like Mama)!

53. That he still loves his doctor and smiles when he sees him, even though he’s been through way too much medical stuff

54. His love for drums and banging things to make noise

55. How he tries to get my attention if I’m doing something

56. Hearing him play in his crib over the monitor

57. How he lights up when he sees all of his grandparents

58. How he likes to crawl over to you and “wake you up” if you lie on the floor pretending to be asleep

59. When he plays peek-a-boo with me

60. How he looks when he peeks around a corner

61. That he looks adorable when he’s naked

62. How excited he gets at bath time

63. That he loves getting a massage

64. When he digs in my purse and throws everything out (usually at a store)

65. He thinks it’s funny when people yawn real big

66. He makes mean old peoples’ hearts melt (this has happened several times!)

67. When he plays under the covers while snuggling in bed with me and Paul

68. That he can be surrounded by a million toys and somehow become fascinated with a small fuzz on the carpet

69. When he blows spit bubbles

70. When you put him down for a nap and think he’s asleep, only to go in and find him wide awake and sitting up in bed

71. His smirk when he knows he’s up to something

72. When his hair stands straight up, or we put it in a Mohawk

73. His silky baby skin

74. His smell, especially after a bath

75. He will go any distance for a shoe…the boy LOVES to crawl after shoes!

76. When he is dreaming 

77. When he snuggles with his teddy bear Mylo and his stingray Stanley in his sleep

78. How he loves to pull the drain and let the water go out while taking a bath, haha

79. How he hates the “n” word…No (this is a new thing!)

80. How much he loves to swim in the pool

81. How much he loves to swing

82. When he picks his feet/legs up so he doesn’t have to stand (he did this at the beach because he didn’t like sand)

83. How clingy he is when he doesn’t feel good

84. His fearlessness when exploring

85. When he sucks his toes, and wants you to kiss his toes, lol

86. His fake cough, to get your attention

87. When he slumps down in his stroller and lets his legs dangle like he is chilling out

88. When he is teething and his teeth hurt, he tries to put his teethers in our mouths to make us feel better  sweet boy…

89. He thinks everyone’s noses are horns…he squeezes them and we say “honk honk” to make him laugh

90. His hugs

91. How he throws everything off the changing table when you change his diaper (including his diaper!)

92. He is not afraid of people and is a social butterfly

93. He loves to watch other children play intently

94. How funny he thinks we are when we clap and say “yay” after he does something

95. How he looks like such a big boy when he sits in a high chair in a restaurant

96. He loves to shred paper and it’s hilarious!

97. He likes typing on the keyboard and usually messes up what I’m doing (and of course I don’t care!)

98. His “prank” calls to people on my and Paul’s cell phone

99. He can un-velcro his diapers while wearing them, take them off, and throw them down, lol

100. No matter how bad things seem, he always makes everything better

:)

Also, you can click here to see a video slideshow I put together of his 1st year (enjoy!): http://vimeo.com/28274339

more prayer for Stephen...

2011-08-09T12:26:00.000-05:00

I am still working on the next post for understanding feeding disorders/aversion, but I haven't had too much free time. For now I want to ask for prayer for Stephen. We are fighting double ear infections and it's wreaking havoc on his poor body. For the past 2 weeks he has been miserable, crying/sleeping most of the day and not sleeping much at night. We are on the 3rd round of antibiotics, with our last shot tomorrow. Basically, if we can't get rid of it, he'll end up in the hospital. We've already been asked to think about ear tubes, but DH and I are against that due to him having enough surgeries (3) already. We are asking you to intercede on Stephen's behalf that his body is healed and the infection goes away! God woke me up at 2 a.m. last night and said to read the book of Job, so I did. I'm tired but I know He's up to something. We are hoping for a breakthrough, especially in the realm of eating. Thank you for praying. Please pass this along/share!

Also, I created a button (on the left side) that you can copy and use on your blog/website, or anywhere else. Just link that button to our page and show others your praying for Stephen! Thanks.

Blessings. +

crawling cutie...

2011-08-01T11:51:00.004-05:00

I am still working on the next post for understanding feeding disorders/aversions, but in the meantime, I wanted to share a video of Stephen crawling! :)

Yay go Stephen! My little crawling cutie.... :)

understanding feeding aversion/disorders, part 1...

2011-07-28T11:22:00.007-05:00

I've wanted to write this post for awhile, but of course it took time to gather my thoughts and information and put it in a form that would be easy for people to read/comprehend.

First, I want to shout out loud how BEYOND OVER-JOYED I am about Stephen beginning to crawl (yes, I did say it out loud)!!! Some of you may have not heard, but yep yep, he did it! The first time was in therapy last Friday, by himself. It was wobbly and he didn't go far, but the excitement from his therapist and I was contagious as others walked in to see what was going on. We were literally jumping up and down with happiness!

I know to most it's not that big of a deal...all babies eventually crawl, right? Yes, they do. But many who crawl late have some sort of developmental delay. Top that off with a baby who has had feeding difficulty since birth, and as a parent, you begin to worry. If it was you, and you had gone through all we have, you'd be concerned too (it drives me nuts when people say not to worry, as if children with different needs don't exist). 12 months is the far end of the normal range for crawling, and going by Stephen's birth age, he is 11 months. Going by his adjusted age, he is 10 months or so. At 6 months, when he couldn't sit up, we weren't too worried. By 9 months, he couldn't keep from falling over while sitting up, still. Lots of people ask us if he's walking yet. When we say, "he's just now crawling," we either get looks of shock or hear "he'll be fine."

Thanks to all of the research and reading I have done, I know how very, very closely feeding disorders are connected to developmental delay and other underlying problems. Not to mention doctors have told us to our face that feeding problems and developmental problems go hand-in-hand like love and marriage. You would be shocked at the number of children with autism, cerebral palsy, etc... who are on feeding tubes or have been in the past. Needless to say, we have had to keep our eyes open for other possible problems.

So little knowledge is out there about feeding aversions/disorders that most of the time I get blank stares (and an occasional eye roll) when trying to explain why my little angel is on a feeding tube and doesn't want to eat. I still don't have all of the answers, but I feel like I can say I understand a little bit more about my son and his "condition."

I can also understand why some people think nothing is wrong with Stephen. One look at him and he seems fine. Most people think of a child having special needs as one who looks like he/she has something wrong. I've had one family member say to me "well at least he doesn't have something like down syndrome" (as if that is supposed to help...and even if he DID have that, which he doesn't, I would love him just the same)!!

In order to help those of you who can't understand, to understand, I wanted to do a couple of posts about feeding disorders/aversions...what they are, why they exist, what are the causes (if any), and the myths surrounding them. I hope that those in the category of denial or refusal to understand when I explain it in person will read this. I am going to start out with the myths. All of my factual information comes The Kennedy-Kreiger Institute and also the extremely helpful book Just Take a Bite recommended to me by Stephen's therapists. The rest of the info comes from having a living, breathing example of the subject. :)

Here we go:

Myth #1: Eating is simple. All babies/children have a natural instinct and ability to eat.

The truth about this one is that...well, it just isn't true. It's not very common that a baby is born with no desire to consume what his/her body needs to survive and grow, but it still happens. Or, a baby is born with a desire, but there are other underlying issues at hand that make the process of eating difficult. The majority of the time (and this is a fact based on research) it happens with babies who are taken from the womb when they are not ready and who are born early by C-section. Every feeding therapist we have spoken to can testify to the amount of time they have spent in the NICU trying to feed these little ones. But unnecessary pre-maturity can cause the feeding aversion/disorders also. A doctor may be ready due to convenience, a mother may be ready due to exhaustion and swelling, but if the baby isn't ready to come on it's own, that means he/she is still developing. Some babies do not develop a natural sucking ability/pattern until they are 38 weeks along. Doctors these days take babies sooner than that and call them full-term. Full-term is when the baby is ready to come.

Some children have a harder time and special needs that keep them from eating properly. Some have oral-motor dysfunction (like dysphagia, which is difficulty swallowing), some have severe gastrointestinal discomfort (like true acid reflux...not regular spit-up, which is normal), some have cleft palate and cleft lip, some have sensory processing/integration disorder, some have an increased gag reflex (which is sensory-based) and some have all of those or combinations of them. Stephen has several of these factors that contribute to no desire to eat. When eating is hard, or it hurts, or your brain can't process the feeling of hunger, even an infant is going to associate food with being bad.

Myth #2: You are a good parent if your baby is healthy, growing, and looks like a normal baby. It must be something the parent is or isn't doing right if the baby doesn't eat.

The first time I read this one, I sobbed. I still wake up every morning and look in the mirror and tell myself that I love Stephen, and it is not my fault. So many other Moms I have talked to with babies like Stephen or babies with different needs feel this way, and much of it comes from our society's expectations of perfection. We live as though all babies/children are born normal. But they are not. Also, very rarely is it the mother's fault that her baby cannot eat, or if her baby is born with something wrong. Doctors always say it's due to the mother abusing drugs, drinking alcohol, or smoking while pregnant. But out of the Moms I know whose babies have challenges, not a one of them did anything wrong while pregnant.

It is horrible for someone to blame the parent for a child's medical conditions or expect the parent to fix it. Nor is it wise to pretend that there is nothing wrong with the child if there is. Not all babies (or adults) who have medical conditions actually look sick. But the child may be struggling anyway. Parents of children who don't eat must face this fact every day and cannot live in denial. It is harmful when others who are needed for support do live in denial.

Myth #3: If you just make the baby eat, he'll learn to do it and eventually like it. A baby will not let him/herself go hungry or starve to death.

"A popular daytime talk show host recently presented his views on 'picky eaters' stating that 'children will eat when they are hungry, and they know how much to eat and when to stop eating.' He went on to say that 'children will not starve themselves.' Finally, he suggested that children who are 'picky' are in a power struggle with their parents and that the parents need to 'win the battle.'" (Just Take a Bite, p. 42)

Although this type of mentality is common, it is a huge roadblock for children with feeding disorders. In some cases, with babies who are born early, the sucking-breathing-swallowing pattern will develop, the baby will learn to eat, and yes, eventually like it. In rare cases, the baby has a difficult time out-of-womb learning to suck-breathe-swallow in order to eat. Again, there can be underlying problems for this, and the most common are oral-motor dysfunction and sensory disorders. As stated already, forcing it will not work. A baby will learn to distrust the breast, bottle, and food if made to eat. Therapists call it "force feeding." It will cause further oral/feeding aversion and create more problems. This is why Stephen is on a feeding tube. By forcing him to drink from a bottle, we were making things more and more complicated. One day he just shut down and decided he wasn't eating anymore, even if it meant he would starve. This happens with the majority of children with feeding disorders if they are forced to eat. They will shut down and will go hungry if need be.

Lots of people say to us that if he was their child, they would make him eat. Unfortunately, we did that. Force feeding only made the problem worse, and furthered the sensory issues he has as well. It breaks my heart some days knowing we were only exaggerating the problem when he was so little. But we didn't know what was wrong, and I guess as a parent, when it's your responsibility to feed your child and ensure their growth, you have no choice but to do what you can. At least now when I feed Stephen in public, I don't have to force it down him, even if I still get looks that make me believe any moment someone is going to come up and wrap a banner around my shoulders that reads "Worst Mom of the Century...Can't Feed Her Baby."

Myth #4: Food tastes good and feels good, so all babies and children should enjoy it.

Unfortunately, food doesn't always taste good or make one's tummy feel good. Children with severe gastrointestinal discomfort, food allergies, or inability to feel hunger may be terrified of eating because it does not feel good. Eating is associated with pain of some sort, and the child does not want to eat from fear of the pain.

Myth #5: Children who are "good eaters" are good children.

I have heard this one, and it is just plain mean. Parents, family members, doctors, and anyone else cannot judge the worth of a child based on his or her eating patterns. Our society does this with all children (just sit in a school cafeteria for lunch one day), and when you have a baby with a feeding disorder, it is even worse. The most humiliating thing for us (DH and I) is when we have people we know try to get Stephen to eat table food, although he isn't ready for it (and is barely eating baby food). The looks of disappointment are obvious, and then we feel sad and disappionted as well. It is better to focus on the wonderful accomplishments of children with feeding disorders/aversion, rather than what they cannot or will not do normally (eat).

Myth #6: Medical conditions that make a child not want to eat can be fixed with medicine or therapy.

In some cases, yes, medicine and therapy can greatly help. However, it doesn't always work, especially for children who have behavior-based feeding problems (like children with autism). Also, it is not a quick fix. With Stephen, we have determined that his feeding disorder is directly associated with his sensory disorder, and though sensory problems can be overcome, it may take a long time. We have to re-program his nervous system that was jolted from birth, to help him not be afraid of food, to help him realize it won't hurt, and to help him feel a desire to eat again. When Stephen stopped eating altogether, we did not understand that a 4-week feeding program would not fix the problem because we did not know the depth of the problem we were facing. We also do not know why all of the acid reflux medicines, along with surgery, did not correct the gastrointestinal problems, though they have helped a great deal. Finally, we still don't have all of the answers and may not have them until Stephen is older.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, before this post gets WAY too long and overwhelming, I am going to stop there and continue in part 2. I really appreciate those of you who took the time to read this, and I hope it helps some of you have a better understanding of what feeding disorders are.

Until next time...

Blessings!!

beach baby...

2011-07-14T12:05:00.000-05:00

I don't have too much time to elaborate on our wonderful Florida trip, but I just HAVE to share some pictures of someone super adorable. He had a ball at the beach. It was SO much fun. And super cheap, thanks to free military passes for everything, and wonderful family members! We did have one scary thing happen, but this isn't a post about that. ;) I will tell more later! Enjoy the pics!!

fathers, miracles, beaches and blogs...

2011-06-28T11:53:00.004-05:00

Well, where do I begin...there has been so much going on, and I am WAY overdue on an update.

The main reason I am so behind on blogging lately is I have been a soap-making machine, haha! This, along with attending to Stephen 24/7 (my real full-time job ;) and taking care of our home, has left me completely exhausted at the end of the day most days!

Here is just a tiny sneak peak at my soaps...these bars are Lavender Vanilla.

DH and my mother both said that it smells so good they could eat it. There's real dried French Lavender buds, ground Madagascar vanilla beans, and raw organic sugar to give it some extra sweetness. It won't be ready to go yet for several more weeks, as all soap has to "cure" in order to let the lye cook out and be safe to use on your skin!

Father's Day was really, really nice. Stephen was feeling fantastic and had several surprises for Daddy. :) I found a precious card that was able to record voices, and after 1500 tries, I recorded Stephen laughing on it for DH. He LOVED it. We also picked out some nice shirts for him. But his big gift was a hammock. He'd been wanting one for awhile, and I found one that was very inexpensive at a great store here that has outdoor things that are discounted!

We experienced nothing short of what I'd call a miracle on Father's Day as well. During church, Stephen started babbling and making consanant sounds, for the first time, while the preacher was giving his sermon! He said "ba-ba-ba" and "ma-ma-ma" and we were stunned. Then he never stopped!! He has been saying it constantly since that day. DH said it was by far the best Father's Day gift he could have received. Before he was only laughing and squealing. At 9 months, almost 10, we were concerned about him not doing this. But not anymore! Praise GOD for what He did!!! We are thrilled! Hearing him "talk" every day is like beautiful music to our ears.

DH's parents came for the day as well, and I cooked a yummy dinner of Oven-Baked B-B-Q Chicken, Baked Sweet Potatoes, Macaroni Salad, and Lemon Blueberry Pudding Cake for dessert (I was going to make another chicken dish, but changed my mind, haha). It all turned out really good!

The next day Stephen started acting like he wasn't feeling good, again (ugh). I always know something is up if he (1) doesn't sleep well at night, (2) sleeps better during the day, (3) doesn't want to play, and (4) just looks like he feels bad.

Sure enough, I took him to the doctor that Tuesday and he had another ear infection (gggrrrrrr) and hand-food-mouth disease, which can cause ulcers in the throat/mouth and a nasty rash on hands/feet. He never got the rash on his hands/feet, but he did on his bum and other private areas. It was awful looking...think yeast diaper rash x 10. He was miserable. :( We were pooped from lack of sleep! Finally the rash went away, and at our check-up yesterday his throat was almost clear. The ear infection seems to be better too! Thank the Lord.

Another reason I have been busy this week is packing. DH and I made the decision to take a vacation this summer, during 4th of July. We are driving to Florida for a week and staying with his brother and sister-in-law who live there! We really prayed about it seriously because (1) Stephen is still little and has the medical issues and (2) we don't have much money right now from paying medical bills. However, we had set aside emergency money from our income tax return in case we needed it, seperate from Stephen's donation money in savings, and then Paul was paid extra from his 2-week AT drill.

We really debated over using the money from income tax and drill for other things, but after all we've been through, we thought the beach would be really great for all of us. Plus seeing family will be really good! We are super excited and really thanking God we get to go. We leave this Thursday so this will be my last update until we get back next week!

Just for your viewing pleasure, here are some recent pictures of the little guy. I love his eyes in these pictures. He woke up from a nap and was being super cute. We played peek-a-boo with the blankie. :)

Finally, a friend commented on my blog and shared a link to another person's blog that I have really loved reading lately. She has some beautiful things to say about the Lord and about being a mother, and her blog is not the typical mommy-type blog either. She is humble and talks about adoption alot too. One of her latest blog-posts is titled "Parenting on Your Knees." If you're a parent, you should really read this one. Just click here.

Thanks for reading, and thank you for the encouraging comments you left me on the last post. Thanks for continuing to pray for Stephen also! Oh, and happy 4th of July! :)

Blessings from the Fleming Family +

judging hurting people...

2011-06-17T18:46:00.004-05:00

Disclaimer: There are a bunch of you who will read this post and get really mad...I hope more of you get convicted instead.

I've been wanting to write this for awhile now but haven't yet because, well, I haven't thought it was time until now.

There is something seriously wrong with Christians who find no problem in judging others who are hurting and/or grieving. Since Stephen was born 9 months ago, I have experienced this many times.

I have flat out been told to my face that my faith in God is fake because I have hurt/grieved over the pain and struggle my son has gone through with his medical issues. I've been told that because I've been angry, scared, lonely, etc... that my love for God is not strong enough, that I've walked away from Him, that I must not be saved, or whatever else. In one of the darkest times in my life, I've been made to feel guilty by other Christians for feeling pain or struggling.

Since when did Christians stop going through the grieving process? Since when did we lose our humanity just because we are going to heaven one day??

There is something wrong with us as believers if we can look at hurting people and think we are better than them or that our faith in God is stronger because we haven't grieved like they have or haven't been through what they have. We really ought to walk a mile in another person's shoes before deciding that they don't know Jesus if they are struggling.

I'm not sure what has been taught in the world of Christianity these days as far as this topic goes, but I know I am guilty of it...and SHAME on me. Shame on me for taking anyone's heartache and making light of it. Shame on me for looking at someone who has lost a loved one, lost a child, lost a dog and deciding that their hurt isn't real. Shame on me for seeing a woman in a marriage that is in shambles and instead of offering to help her, offering to come and sit with her while she cries, judging her instead and deciding that her faith isn't strong enough because she and her husband are going through the fire. Shame on me if I've seen a homeless man who has been through unimaginable heartache and decided that its his own fault he's homeless. Shame, shame, shame on me for judging anyone who has gone through any sort of difficult time.
Shame on you, also, if you have done this.

To those Christians who have made me feel like dirt for going through the grieving process or for questioning my faith in God, shame on you.

To those Christians who told me that if I prayed more, maybe then my son would be healed, shame on you.

To those Christians who saw me and my husband hurting, in need of friendship and love rather than condemnation and judgement, and ignored us, talked badly about us, and pretended we don't exist, shame on you.

I love you and I forgive you.

Every single person on this planet, whether they know the Lord or not, has gone through or will go through some type of hurt or pain in their lifetime. You may not have been there yet, but most likely you will. If you live an entire life that is easy, you need to wonder at the end what happened. It is inevitable for humans to experience hurt of some sort, and probably more so for those who have denied themselves, taken up their cross, and followed Jesus.

But just because we know Christ and have the Holy Spirit doesn't mean we have suddenly become a god ourselves. We are not Christian robots. We still feel things, still struggle, and still have times where our faith isn't perfect.

And everyone who has lost something or someone they loved, or has been through something difficult, has gone through the grieving process. Stephen is here, but I have grieved deeply over the "loss" I have felt of him having a normal baby-hood. Grief is our human response to heartache, regardless of what we believe. Some people (those who are dubbed the "strong Christians") get through this process quicker than others. Some Christians take years to get from one step to the next. The grieving process is part of the healing process, and people who are hurting need healing, not a "get-fixed-quick" solution to what they are going through. Here are the steps:

1) Denial/Shock
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Guilt/Depression
5) Loneliness
6) Acceptance
7) Resolution/Re-adjusment

The next time you know a Christian who is experiencing deep heartache or pain, or is experiencing a loss of some sort, don't just shove Scripture in their face and tell them to let it go and give it to God. Instead, give them time to grieve. Don't offer advice about how to get over the pain. Cry with them. Offer to do something for them. Buy them a cup of coffee or some beautiful flowers, just to show that you care. Chances are, when they are ready to talk, they will come to you as a friend. They won't be afraid of being rejected by you if they are still struggling. They won't think you are judging them if they still don't have it all together.

I am so happy I can say that I am finally in the last stages of the grieving process over my son's struggle. I have accepted, and am continuing to accept the baby he is and am adjusting to my new life as his Mom. I have also resolved the idea that this may be something I have to deal with for a long time and am okay with that.

And, thanks to the few people who have helped me through this time so far, I have not walked away from my relationship with Christ, and every day I lean on Him for strength, courage, hope, and even joy.

(To see more on this topic, to understand grief, and to know how to be there for others who are hurting, go here: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/emotional_health/coping_with_death_and_grief/helping_loved_ones_grieve.aspx

busy, busy, busy...

2011-06-16T11:58:00.003-05:00

It is a rare moment these days when I get a break and have a chance to write on here, let alone do anything else that involves sitting and resting!

Thank you to everyone who has been faithful in praying for Stephen. Your prayers are felt and needed more than you could ever know.

After he started the antibiotics, he started feeling MUCH better. Believe it or not, God gave us the grace to go see DH after all. All day Friday I kept asking God, "should we go?" and I felt Him saying yes. I am so glad we did! We went to his location on Saturday and stayed til Sunday evening. It was really nice getting to introduce Stephen to a few people in the unit who have prayed for him and donated money for his medical costs!

We arrived Saturday before lunch and were starving, so we met up at Popeye's (don't ask me why, but we were both really craving fried chicken, haha). Stephen was SOOOO happy to see his Daddy!

After that we went to the family fun day. It was terribly hot and everybody went swimming. We didn't go however because the pool was too deep and there was no little kids swimming pool. Several guys decided to start a basketball game in the gym where it was cool. Stephen LOVES basketball. He laughed out loud the entire time, with big ole belly laughs. I think it was the bouncing ball and the guys' movements that were so funny to him!

Because it was so disgustingly hot that afternoon, we left a bit early and went to the local mall. We didn't buy anything because gas prices are ridiculous, but Daddy did take Stephen on a train ride around the mall!

He loved it but fell asleep on the way back.

The next day we didn't do much. We were lazy at the hotel and just rested and watched movies and stuff. I am so glad we got to all spend time together. We really needed it.

This week has been chaotic already. S started his new therapy schedule and we have already had 3 doctor appointments this week. Today we didn't have therapy as we had the 3rd doc. visit this morning. His Mic*Key button looks really good now, his stomach looks better, and his refluxing has improved now that his stomach has settled and gotten used to the new feeding tube situation, though he still gags and tries to vomit constantly.

Then yesterday we went running around trying to find DH's Father's Day gift (which is really great but I can't talk about it on here yet in case DH reads this!). :) I am cooking him one of his favorite meals: Chilli-Lime Cilantro Chicken Wings, baked sweet potatoes, and Lemon Blueberry Pudding Cake for dessert. I'll try to post these recipes when I get a chance.

Finally, I am getting ready to re-open my soap business, RB Soap Company, again!!! All of my supplies have come in, and I plan to soap away this weekend when DH gets home. Many of you have used my soaps in the past - they are going to be even better this time. They will look like regular bars of soap, with a cross engraved into each bar. Also, every soap will contain shea butter. There will be new eco-friendly packaging, new labels, and new scents (though many of the old ones stayed). Here are the soaps I plan to offer in the beginning:

Oatmeal and Milk (with locally-produced goat's milk)
Almond and Honey
Lavender Vanilla
Grapefruit Bergamot
Eucalyptus and Tea Tree
Evergreen and Juniper
Lemon Cream Poppyseed
Patchouli and Cedarwood
Brown Sugar and Pumpkin
Bay Rum and Mandarin
Lime Coconut
Rosemary Peppermint
Tangerine Ginger Tea
Cinnamon Orange Clove
Vanilla Spearmint
Lemongrass Basil
Clary Sage and Lavandin
Angel Bottoms Baby (Lavender and Unscented, pure castile soap)
Frankincense and Myrhh (will not be available until Christmas)

Also, all profits from my soap will go directly towards Stephen's medical costs. I will sell them on Etsy: www.rbsoapcompany.etsy.com, as well as various boutiques in northeast Louisiana. They are, as before, 100% natural,/chemical-free, handmade by me through the old-fashioned cold-process method, and contain only essential oils for fragrance. If you have problem skin, dry skin, oily skin, senstive skin, or even normal skin, they are great for you!!

Thanks for reading and for continuing to pray for us.

"... although he may be broken and bruised, tossed about with fears and doubts, the child of God nevertheless in his need cries out, 'Father!' as instinctively as a child who has fallen and been hurt calls out in similar language, 'Daddy, help me!' Assurance of sonship is not reserved for the highly sanctified Christian; it is the birthright of even the weakest and most oppressed believer." ~ Sinclair Ferguson

new update on Stephen...

2011-06-09T14:09:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted until now. Things have been extremely hectic.

Paul is gone for his 2-week annual training. I really wish he was here right now. Stephen and I planned to drive to see him Saturday at his location for the family fun day, but I don't know if that is happening now. By the way, I am super proud of him because he got his acceptance letter from seminary. He has chosen to attend Liberty online. He was going to attend a local seminary (New Orleans Baptist) with a small sister branch here where we live, but there were issues with financial aid and whatnot. But Liberty gladly accepted his money (government money, why wouldn't anyone want that? haha) and his Chaplain candidacy, which has has also been approved for. He's also decided to go through the Full Gospel church's chaplaincy program. It's about the closest thing to non-denomination there is.

Stephen has had another ear infection (ugh), so he was feeling pretty yucko. Then the antibiotics started kicking in. My mom came over to spend some time with him, and on Tuesday we took him to the swimming pool. He was feeling great and having a ball.

Then yesterday was the day to have his new feeding tube/Mic*Key button put in. It only took the doctors/nurses about 5 minutes to switch out his old tube and put in the new one. But I know it was painful for him and he was fussy the whole day. There was some swelling last night and some light bloody discharge, which I was told was normal. But he was refluxing bad again and spit up a ton of formula from his feedings, which I am still being told by doctors "shouldn't" be happening since he had the Nissen surgery in December. I think right now it's just due to the new tube and swelling. Thanks to Prevacid/CaraCream it had been a LOT better.

Well, this morning the site around his tube was extremely swollen/puffy, red, and there was more blood. It defintely did not look right to me so I called one of the NP's on her cell phone. She's awesome and said to come to the clinic immediately. So by the time we got there, Stephen was screaming and not feeling well obviously.

Doctor comes in, takes a look and says "Ooooh boy..." Great, just what I wanted to hear. Apparently there was already a slight infection when he had the other feeding tube, and taking it out/putting in the new one irritated the infection even more. His stomach looks horrible. :'( But the button is nicer because he doesn't always have the long tube dangling down. I can detach it.

So now he is on 2 huge doses of antibiotics, one for the ear infection and now for this. The worst part is that he is not well or happy, again, and we probably don't get to go see Daddy this weekend. :( Doctor also said that if the infection gets any worse in the next 3-4 days or doesn't improve, they'll admit him to the hospital because it could wreak havoc on his poor little body and he won't keep anything down food-wise. :(

Please just keep our little family in your prayers. I'm exhausted, mad, and just wishing I could heal Stephen myself. I would sell everything I own and live on a deserted island as a Castaway for the rest of my life if that is what God wanted and it meant Stephen's medical problems were all said and done. Please pray also that God's Truth and His voice drown out the lies from the pit, which keep telling me that somehow this is my fault and that S needs a better Mommy. Satan keeps trying to destroy my heart and soul and suck out any happiness that I have each time my sweet baby boy has to deal with something else.

Thank you for praying. Will try to update again soon.

A Special Gift: A Time to Refresh

2011-06-05T17:53:00.000-05:00

(When I recieved this book, before I had even read the first devotional, I decided to skim through it quickly. This was the first page I turned to, with this devo. written. For obvious reasons, I broke down in tears. I go back and read it often as it reminds me that (1) I am not alone and Stephen is not the only one and (2) I get easily overwhelmed and need time with God to make it through each day).

"A Special Gift: A Devotional for Mothers of Children with Unique Challenges"

Day 5: A Time to Refresh

"And He said to them, 'Come inside by yourselves to a deserted place, and rest a while.'" ~ Mark 6:31

    In today's frantic world, it can be easy to overlook the necessity of quiet time to reflect, pray, and commune with God. There is so much to do, so many things that demand our time and attention. And parenting a child with differences can be an especially overwhelming and exhuasting situation. And yet, even in the midst of their ministry, Jesus called His disciples aside to be refreshed and renewed by spending time alone with Him.
    Theresa had three young children when her fourth child was born. Keegan had several undiagnosed interruptions in his physical development. As a result, he was unable to eat. Theresa spend hours upon hours trying to feed her infant a minute amount of formula. But eventually he needed a feeding tube.
    Alongside the demand this put on Theresa's limited time, her other children needed her as well. So did her husband. So did her house. As she struggled through each day, she fell further and further behind. She was physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally drained. Soon Theresa became more and more frustrated, prone to snapping at the children and her husband. She felt as though she were drowning in an endless whirlpool of activity - all of it necessary!
    A turning point came one morning as she was cleaning out Keegan's feeding tube. Her five-year-old daughter rushed in, excited with a ladybug she had found in the backyard. Theresa jumped, spilling the cup of warm water she was holding. "How many times do I have to tell you to leave me alone when I am working with Keegan?" she yelled. Immediately her heart broke as her daughter turned away, her eyes brimming with tears.
    That evening, Theresa went to her husband, who helped her come up with a respite plan. Theresa would spend one half hour each night with her Bible while her husband took over the chores. She would take one evening a week to leave the house and spend time with other believers in a Bible study.
    In only a few weeks, Theresa discovered the strength that comes from spending restful time with the Lord. She felt refreshed and able to cope wiht the stresses of raising a child with challenges. She no longer snapped in frustration at her other children, and she didn't feel exhausted like before.
    Her time didn't magically increase, and her chores didn't decrease. But Theresa found the key to reviving her weary soul - time spent with the Lord.

Prayer: Lord, in the midst of the whirlpool, You are a lifesaver. Help me to commit my time to daily fellowship with You.

Copyright 2000 by Carrie T. Gruman-Trinkner

A Special Gift: Taking a Chance on Trusting

2011-06-03T09:55:00.002-05:00

(Thanks to everyone who prayed for Stephen yesterday. His endoscopy went well. Thankfully our GI doctor is wonderful and even printed pictures from the scope to show us what was going on. Basically, he has granulation tissue built up around his feeding tube on the inside (normally this only happens on the outside), and whenever his tube gets pulled (S thinks it is a toy, lol) or rubs the inside where this delicate tissue is, it bleeds. They will be able to get rid of this tissue when they put in his Mic*Key button next week. We are praising GOD that nothing else bad is going on. Also, his esophogus looks really good, thanks to Prevacid and CaraCream from MARCI-kids/Reflux Solutions. He still refluxes but the acid is under control and isn't causing esophigitis, or the lining of his esophogus to be irritated!)

"A Special Gift: A Devotional for Mothers of Children with Unique Challenges"

Day 4: Taking a Chance on Trusting

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

    Across the highway from my house, two red-tailed hawks took up residence in a towering tree. I could sit in my living room and look across our balcony to watch the hawks build their massive nest. Stick by stick they painstakingly constructed their home.
    Finally, one day, there appeared three eggs in the nest. (With my home on a hill above the highway, I had the vantage point to look into the next with binoculars). Patiently, the female hawk tended the nest. Her mate hovered nearby, coaxing her from the nest periodically, to soar into the sky. At long last the eggs hatched. I watched as the babies grew fuzz and then feathers. Their hungry mouths kept their parents busy. Frantically, the parents would search for food. I covered our rabbits in the backyard, fearing they, too, would soon be supper for the baby hawks.
    Soon, by some God-ordained order, the mother hawk knew the time had come to send her babies out on their own. They perched on the edge of the nest, teetering in what seemed to be fear. Trusting their mother, they eased themselves over the edge. I watched in horror as the first plummeted toward the earth. Suddenly, the little hawk spread out his wings and began to soar. The mother joined it, and soon all four birds were effortlessly skating across the sky.
    The mother hawk did not know the physics of flight. She did not discuss the procedure with her young. She did not have a parenting manual to guide her. She just did her job as a mother and, without understanding, allowed the Lord to direct her path.
    So it is with us. As loving parents, we build our "nests," preparing for our baby. We tend her and nurture her, all the while gently pushing her to achieve the God-ordained plan for her life.
    The mother hawk had to trust that her young would fly. She prepared them, gently pushed them, and then left the flying to the hand of God.
    We must trust that God, who cares for the hawk, will also care for our babies. We simply provide for them and teach them and love them as God molds them into the person He desires them to become.
    Our children may be more limited in their accomplishments than some, but that is OK. God will direct their paths - and ours - no matter what they may be, so long as we trust those paths to Him.

Prayer: Lord, I may not understand the path you have set before me, but I am trusting You to lead me. I ask that You teach me to trust You with all of my heart.

Copyright 2000 by Carrie T. Gruman-Trinkner

A Special Gift: Permission to Wrestle with God

2011-06-01T13:36:00.002-05:00

(I apologize for my delay on this series! I've been super busy with Stephen. Tomorrow morning he has another endoscopy to find out why he keeps having dried blood coming up through his feeding tube. Please pray for him. If you're reading this and your little one has health issues, special needs, challenges/difficulties, and you need someone to talk to, please contact me. I am praying for you too).

"A Special Gift: A Devotional for Mothers of Children with Unique Challenges"

Day 3 - Permission to Wrestle with God

"Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day...So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: 'For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.'" ~ Genesis 32:24, 30

    Many of us are under the false understanding that we should never, ever voice our displeasure to God. You may have been taught by other Christians that it is wrong to display anger, or that a good girl should always be accepting of whatever may befall her, never wavering in her faith.
    We see in the book of Genesis that Jacob did indeed wrestle with God. He wrestled all night long in a desperate battle. In the end, Jacob begged for a blessing and received it.
    Have you taken the time to wrestle with God? Have you told Him how heartbroken you are that your baby is not "perfect"? Have you told Him of the anger you feel over the pain your child must endure - whether it be physical or emotional? Have you told Him it isn't fair that your child is the one with problems?
    God knows it isn't fair. He knows your anger. He not only gives you permission to express it to Him, but He invites you to do so.
    Take some time. Go for a short drive. Walk in the woods. Have your friend or relative watch the baby for a little while so you may wander through a silent house. And talk out loud. Tell God your fears, your anger, your pain. Yell, scream, cry, and reach out to Him.
    God is BIG enough to hear it. He can handle it.
    You were never designed to hold it all inside. You are a relational being - created for relationship with God and with others. And what healthy relationship can thrive unless we are honest and open with one another?
    Once you have expressed yourself, sit quietly. Allow God to touch your heart with His healing balm. Let His peace restore you and strengthen you.
    Never, ever be afraid to go to your Father in heaven, no matter what you are feeling, no matter how many times you must express your pain. He is there for you, always.

Prayer: Lord, thank You that I can always come to You. Thank You for Your understanding ear and compassionate heart. Help me to always be open with You about my thoughts and feelings.

Copyright 2000 by Carrie T. Gruman-Trinkner

2 great recipes...

2011-05-30T10:41:00.001-05:00

Normally I don't do posts about recipes but I have 2 great ones I wanted to share. I even took pictures! These are not diet or fat-free recipes, gluten-free recipes, sugar-free recipes, nut-free recipes, or anything of the like. :) The first recipe is my own creation based off of several different recipes I have put together for a Tuna Noodle Casserole. The second one is a random recipe that I came up with one night when I didn't know what to make. Its for what I called Christian Burrito Pies (haha, you'll see why the "Christian" part was thrown in there later). Please feel free to use these recipes and tweak them if you wish, but don't copy them and call them your own! Enjoy!! (The devo. series for A Special Gift will resume tomorrow, I promise!)

Sara's Tuna Noodle Casserole

Here's a picture (click to enlarge) of all of the ingredients, not including the dash of salt for the noodles! (I have to use Soy milk b/c I am lactose-intolerent, and it tastes just as delish with regular milk if you can drink it!).

You will need:

1 8 oz. package of egg noodles
2 cans cream of mushroom soup
3 cans of tuna (in water)
1 can (4 oz.) mushroom peices
2 1/2 TSP. of prepared horseradish
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup of plain dry bread crumbs
2 TBSP. butter or margerine, melted
1/2 TSP. dill weed
1/8 TSP pepper
dash of salt in noodles cooking
(optional: onions, peas)

To Make:

* Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Grease casserole dish (2-quart size works well).

1. Cook noodles according to package directions and set aside in casserole dish.

2. In the same pot in which the noodles were cooked, combine the mushroom soup, mayo, milk, horseradish, dill weed, and pepper. Then stir in the mushrooms and tuna (onions or peas also, if you please!).

3. Add this mixture to the noodles in the casserole dish.

4. In a small bowl, combine the dry bread crumbs and the melted butter. Sprinkle over the top of the casserole, and place in the oven.

5. Bake at 375 degrees for 40-45 minutes or until bubbly. Take it out, let it cool, and dig in. This recipe serves 6-7 people!

I love this tuna noodle recipe because the flavors are very unique. It has a tiny bit of tangy-ness from the horseradish that goes SO well with the tuna! I think you'll love it. DH ate 3 helpings, lol.

*******

Next recipe:

Sara's Christian Burrito Pies

Here is a picture of everything I used! (I just grabbed this stuff out of the pantry/fridge/freezer and threw it together, not knowing if it would taste good at all. You can use other types of pastry dough, either pre-made or you can make it yourself.)

You Will Need:

1 pound of lean ground beef or lean ground turkey

Lots of pastry dough (depending on how many burrito pies you want to make)

1 can refried black beans

1 pkg. of burrito seasoning (taco seasoning would work okay)

1 pkg. shredded Mexican cheese

To Make:

* Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray a cookie sheet with Pam or another non-stick spray.

1. Spread out pastry dough into large squares. You can make several small squares, or 2-3 large ones to cut in half for kids!

2. Next, brown hamburger or turkey meat in pan and drain.

3. Add the burrito seasoning according to the package directions, and also the can of refried black beans (I used only 1/2 of the can because it was so large).

4. Spread a layer of shredded cheese on the pastry dough squares.

5. Next, spoon a generous helping of the meat, bean, and sauce mixture onto the middle of the pastry squares.

6. Top the meat, bean, and sauce with another layer of cheese (yuuummm)!

7. Finally, fold up the corners of the pastry dough, then pinch up the sides also. It should form the shape of a cross! :) (Now you know why they're called "Christian Burrito Pies").

8. Lastly, pop in the oven and bake at 350 degrees for about 15-20 minutes, or until the dough is brown and flaky.

These are absolutely delicious. They are even better if topped with salsa (I recommend black bean and corn salsa), lettuce, and sour cream (I don't eat sour cream, DH loves it). But I think they were way too big. DH ate all of his in about 5 minutes, haha. I couldn't eat all of mine, but I saved it for lunch the next day.

Have fun making these recipes and let me know how you and your family like them! :)

water baby...

2011-05-27T20:15:00.000-05:00

I am pretty sure I have the original water baby on my hands! Stephen is in LOVE with the pool. I'm not surprised because I am an avid fan of scuba diving and would live in a coral reef given the option!

At the Air Force Base near our home, they have a gorgeous pool as well as a 2 ft. baby pool. Stephen can touch the bottom of the baby pool while in his floatie, and he used it as a walker! He was scooting all over the pool, splashing, laughing, playing with bath toys, and having a ball. We got a membership so we can go every day. My only worries are (1) he'll decide he doesn't need his floatation device and go jump off the diving board or (2) I won't coat him enough with the 100 SPF, haha.

Here are some pictures for you to enjoy! :) :)

Have a wonderful Memorial Weekend everyone!

good times, bad times...

2011-05-25T13:27:00.001-05:00

I'm so sorry I haven't written until now! Things have been a bit crazy lately.

The past weekend we went home was a really fun time with our friends and our families. I decided to take some pictures of me and Stephen before we left. Here we are!

Stephen was feeling great the day we left and was super happy to see his Gran (my mom). Gran had a surprise for him...one of their cats had kittens! He LOVED meeting a kitty for the first time!

He also enjoyed giving both his Gran and his Nana (DH's Mom) their Mother's Day gifts! I made necklaces for both of them and we also gave them lots of pictures and a sweet card! Here are the necklaces (my Mom's is on the left, DH's Mom's is on the right):

We had a blast at the college reunion with all of our friends we had not seen in a long time. It was great just to hang out and catch up. Stephen got fussy so his Gran came to get him and watched him so Paul and I could spend more time with people. Of course I missed my little guy and felt lost without him being there! We're attached at the hip, haha.

We also discovered that Stephen now has 2 teeth!!! He has his bottom right and left front teeth. They came in a few days apart, thought they aren't all the way through yet. :)

The next day, we went to church with his Nana and got to see a lot of people who have been praying for Stephen. They bought more t-shirts and loved on Stephen. I am so thankful for people like that!

That afternoon was really good also and one of my precious friends Ellie came over with her baby girl Lilly, who is decidedly Stephen's future wife. :) She is an angel!

While were were there, Stephen got fussy again and wanted to sleep. After his nap, I went to change his diaper and get ready to feed him, and there was blood on his outfit. I pulled up his shirt to see blood all over his stomach and in his feeding tube. :( Of course, I freaked out and yelled for DH to get things in the car so we could go to the ER. His doctors told us when they put in the tube that if we ever see blood or the tube coming out, get to the ER as soon as possible.

Thankfully the ER was quick so we got back right away to the doctor. Apparently the delicate tissue around his feeding tube got cut and that was what caused the blood. As fussy as he was, I knew there was something else going on, it but we went back to my parents' house anyways. That night Stephen stayed up the entire night, sleeping no more than an hour. We were exhausted.

We packed up and went home the next morning to see his regular Ped. who did more tests and determined that he had an intestinal track virus and another feeding tube infection. He had an awful rash, diahrrea, was refluxing horribly again, and just felt miserable. :(

Thank God that he seemed to be doing better the next day! He slept a ton and by Tuesday evening was wanting to play again.

This morning we went to the GI surgeon, and he had to freeze off part of the tissue granulation surrounding the feeding tube. In 2 weeks we are going to put in a new feeding tube that has a button, called a Mic Key. It will lay flat against his skin and be alot more comfortable. I will be able to detach the actual tube on the outside so its not always hanging out down from his stomach. I think Stephen will like it a lot better too!

Thanks for everyone who prayed for us about the bleeding and making sure S was okay!

Some more good news is that I am getting ready to order more soap stuff and start making my soaps again! Also, we are going to start taking Stephen swimming at the Air Force base near our home...he LOVES the water! :)

Tomorrow I will continue with the series from my devotional A Special Gift!

Thanks for reading and for loving us. Blessings! +

A Special Gift: He is Close

2011-05-19T16:34:00.001-05:00

"A Special Gift: A Devotional for Mothers of Children with Unique Challenges"

Day 2 - He is Close

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart." ~ Psalm 34:18

    Your heart is broken. How do you handle the pain of knowing your child faces challenges that others will never face? Where can you turn to lift this crushing heaviness? Who is there to comfort you in your loneliness? Is there anyone who understands?
    Yes, dear mother. The Lord is here. He is close. He sees your pain. He longs to embrace you in His loving arms, to comfort you and to restore your joy.
    Take a moment of rest. Close your eyes and surrender your mind to Him. Feel His love wrap around you. Know that He is close. Know that He is in control and that it WILL be okay. No matter the circumstance, no matter the outcome, He will be there to love you through it.

Let Him be your strength - you don't have to do it on your own.
Let Him be your rest - He will refresh your exhausted and weary soul.
Let Him be your comfort - He will ease your pain.
Let Him be your guide - He will lead you and your child into the future.
Let Him be your companion - He will never leave you.
Let Him be your joy -He will fill your heavy heart with singing.

    You are not alone. The Lord has many hearts on this earth willing to spend time with you, to help you cope with the stress...and the housework. Call upon the Lord's people - contact a local church or your own church and let them know the situation. Do not be afraid.
    You are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States who have children with differences. Contact one of us. Call your local hospital, mental health agencies, or look in the telephone book for support groups in your area. Many support groups can be found on the Internet. Know that we pray for you when we lift up prayers for others in the same situation.
   No matter what, you are not alone. The Lord Himself is near.

Prayer: Lord, help me to know You are near. Thank You for your promise to remain close to those whose hearts are broken. Thank You for being my strength, my rest, my comfort, my guide, my companion, and my joy.

Copyright 2000 by Carrie T. Gruman-Trinkner

A Special Gift: Celebrate Your Baby

2011-05-18T13:46:00.001-05:00

I've really been motivated by the Lord to do a blog series from my devotional that I've been reading called "A Special Gift: A Devotional for Mothers of Children with Unique Challenges." I was really, really sad after going to a very well-known Christian bookstore the other day to pick up a graduation gift, where I spent an hour looking for a book for Moms with babies who require more help, attention and love. There were gobs of books about how to have a happy baby, how to raise a child who's well-behaved, how to make sure your family is living for Jesus...but nothing, not anything close, to a book for Mamas who are Christians and have a baby that doesn't fit the mold.

This made me angry for 2 reasons: (1) there ARE mothers who ARE godly who don't have 15 perfect children, and (2) there is no one writing anything from a Jesus-perspective to encourage them that God loves them and their baby and they can get through it. Since I don't have time to write a book right now (though I plan on it one day) for these Mamas out there, I thought the least I could do is share the devotionals I've been reading.

Thank GOD for Carrie T. Gruman-Trinker who took the time and had the heart to write this devo! It has given me so much strength, even though her baby Aiden's needs were very different from Stephen's. PLEASE, if you know any mother who is struggling with a baby/toddler/child who requires more than the typical baby and has specific needs, send them here!!! :) Also, I think those of you Mamas who don't have a baby with challenges/difficulties will still find these devos to be beautiful and encouraging to you!

Day 1 - Celebrate Your Baby

"Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!" ~ Phillipians 4:4

    Never lose sight of the fact that you have been given a wondrous new creation - a baby - to love and hold and care for. Your baby may have some flaws...but don't we all have flaws?
    Joanne Green, a woman who adopted 3 beautiful children with facial abnormalities, once wisely told me to always remember that "the baby you hold is a baby first, and a cleft palate-affected second!"
    How right she is! Many people had a difficult time looking at my Aiden's disfigured face, gasping at first sight. My first look at him was frightening too.
    But then I saw those incredible blue eyes gazing calmly into my own. I fell absolutely in love! He was my child, the blessing God had entrusted to my care.
    Yes, Aiden needs more than a dozen surgeries, extensive oral work, speech therapy, and other not-so-pleasant challenges. But he is funny and bright and so loving.
    He is the first of my 5 children to love snuggling on my lap for extended periods of time. He charms others with his ready smile, crooked though it might be. He has a deep belly laugh that is irresistably contagious. At the age of 18 months, he has already learned an extensive vocabulary in sign language. (His palate construction is not yet complete). He has the most expressive eyes I have ever seen. Every child in our neighborhood adores this fair-haired child.
    If I dwell on his future surgeries and obstacles to overcome, I feel defeated and angry. But when I see the wonderful boy he is becoming, I rejoice. I thank God that he gifted me with this precious son. Aiden has taught me to accept and to love all those around me, no matter the situation. All of my children have learned to be compassionate individuals, respectful of anyone who is "different."
    Aiden is a reason to rejoice. So is your baby. Hang a sign, have a party, take LOTS of pictures! Rejoice - God has given you a precious and wondrous gift - one that will touch your heart forever.

Prayer: Lord, focus my eyes on the beauty of this child You have placed in my hands. Thank YOU for this little life. Help me to rejoice in the wonderful traits of my child and what he can teach me.

Copyright 2000 by Carrie T. Gruman-Trinkner

no more sickies (for now)...

2011-05-16T23:03:00.004-05:00

Well it seems like the sickies have finally left our house...for now at least. Poor little man had it ROUGH the past week. Not only did he have strep throat, but after a few days he developed a hideous barking cough, had trouble breathing, was stuffy-nosed, and his reflux was off-the-charts horrible. I took him back to the doctor where he recieved another 2 shots and was diagnosed with the Croup and an Upper Respiratory Infection. I didn't think he was ever going to get better or that I was ever going to sleep again. I got over my crud pretty quickly, thank the Lord, but he took a bit longer of course. Bless his sweet heart, he was still such a trooper as always. I am so thankful to God that I have a baby who is so, so happy. I try to do everything in my power to make sure he is happy all the time, even when he feels bad, but I think God has put a joy in his little heart that I don't see in other babies. There's a light in his eyes that tells me he is meant for greatness.

After a week of missing therapy, we finally went back today. He ate a little bit of applesauce but was VERY fussy during the whole session. He still did great though, and every little step he makes is a step toward eating/drinking on his own. I just cannot wait for that day and for the feeding tube to come out. Right now, along with the feeding therapy, he is also doing speech therapy, occupational therapy, and physical therapy. Every day of the week. Along with the feeding difficulties, he is behind on gross motor skills the most. At 8 1/2 months, his development is that of a typical 6-month old when it comes to mobility. But, he is getting there. He WILL get there. It just may take a lot of time and some extra love. :)

Today after therapy, since he was feeling better, and DH had the day off, we decided to go watch Soul Surfer at the discount theater we have here. I LOVE going to see cheap matinee movies on hubby's days off, and usually Stephen does great if he is feeling well...he either sleeps or watches the movie or plays quietly, or a little of all 3. :) We used to not be able to take him at all when our whole lives revolved around doing nothing but trying to feed him and get enough calories in him each day. At least with the feeding tube we don't have to worry about how we are going to do something fun and get him to eat while gone.

Soul Surfer was truly one of the best movies I've ever seen. I had wanted to see the movie ever since I heard an interview from Bethany Hamilton's Mom (Beth) on Christian Military Wives talk radio show. Bethany is a beautiful Christian girl who was attacked by a shark in her native Hawaii while training to become a pro-surfer. She lost her arm completely to the shark. But her incredible faith in the Lord, her willingness to keep going, and the love/support of her family enabled her to go on and still become a pro-surfer. I bawled my eyes out probably 3/4 of the movie, haha. But the tears were good tears. If you haven't seen this movie, I recommend it 100%. I was truly, truly humbled by Bethany's story. Please watch it! Also you can follow Bethany on Twitter (just look up Bethany Hamilton)...she is such a sweetheart.

After the movie, we took Stephen to the park. His new favorite activity is swinging on the swings. I had been wanting to take him to swing for awhile before I actually did, but I was hesitant due to his reflux. He is very sensitive to different movements and positions because if it bothers him, he will gag, hold his breath, and try to vomit. Sometimes this is voluntary, sometimes involuntary. So I have to be really careful with him and take things slow. Apparently swinging is NOT something that bothers him...he just loves it. Here is a picture of him in a swing for the first time a few weeks ago:

so cute!!! :)

This weekend we are going home to visit family and also to a college reunion at the Campus Ministry where DH and I met. We are really looking forward to spending time with some of our best friends there and also for Stephen to meet everyone. Please pray that he stays healthy and does not get sick! We really want to be able to attend and have a good time.

That is about it for this post. Time for a devo and then bed. Thanks to all who read this blog and are keeping up with us. Thank you for continuing to pray for Stephen also. God bless. +

dear Blogger...

2011-05-13T18:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Blogger,

Today I came to my blog hoping that the maintenence your website was performing the last day and a half was finally finished. I was very happy to see that I could once again blog. However, to my surprise, I realized that you royally messed up much of what I spent hours working on with my new blog design. The text and spacing on my sidebar is now funky and the first poll for my blog design is gone. Some of my comments have randomly disappeared and strange symbols that look like alien language have shown up on blogposts and labels. I would really, really appreciate it if you could just go ahead and fix all of this for me since I don't have time to re-do what I already did the past several days. Thank you kindly!

Sincerely,

A Worn Out but Respectful Writer

new blog design...

2011-05-13T18:31:00.000-05:00

Hey friends! As you can see, I have a new blog design. It has been something I've been working on, and I still don't have it the way I want it. I am having a hard time figuring out how to change certain things. They really should make it easier for people to do!

Anyway, let me know if you like it or if you don't using the poll on the left. If there is something about it that bothers you or you have a friendly suggestion to make it better, please leave a comment too!

Also, I am asking for prayer for Stephen for his illness. There is an epidemic of strep throat going around amongst the babies where we live, and somehow S caught it. :(

Last night he hardly slept at all and his reflux has been out of control again. Everytime he coughs he starts gagging, holding his breath, and trying to puke. Thankfully he can't puke up everything, but I have to run and grab a syringe whenever it happens so I can vent his feeding tube and not let the reflux burn his esophogus/throat. Please pray he is quickly healed. We are also having to miss all therapy this week. I am feeling better but still worn out and tired. I also have a really BIG unspoken prayer request for our family. Please pray for us!

Thank you!

first Mother's Day...

2011-05-08T15:38:00.019-05:00

I can't believe today is Mother's Day, and this year I am actually a Mom. :)

I sure wish Stephen and I felt better though. I woke up with a sore throat and my poor little guy is acting like he feels pretty awful too. I just hope it isn't more ear infections. I gave him a little bit of Children's Benadryl earlier to help him feel better, and of course he only slept for about 20 minutes. But he's asleep now so I think his body just gave in. He still gave me a huge smile this morning and cuddled with me lots. We'll probably be making another trip to the doctor tomorrow.

My husband is awesome though because he treated me to a whole Mother's Day weekend with lots of sweet surprises. Friday night we went to see the movie Jane Eyre at the local independent/oldies theater. I have been dying to see this movie! Plus, we had never been to the theater and wanted to check it out awhile back. But since things have been so difficult with Stephen, we put it off along with lots of other things. It was so much fun though, and Stephen came with us and was a doll. I gave him a HUGE smooch after the movie and thanked him for his little "gift" of letting Mommy watch a whole movie with no interruption! :)

If you haven't seen the movie Jane Eyre, try to find a theater to watch it at, or rent it as soon as it comes out. If you can though, read the book first. It is a Focus Feature film (the same company that did the recent Pride and Prejudice, which I also loved), though it didn't hit big theaters for some unknown reason (it should have!). Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte, is one of my all-time very favorite books. I could read it over and over. So when I heard that they were making a movie, I was thrilled. Even more so when I watched the trailor, which you can see here: http://www.focusfeatures.com/jane_eyre
I usually always go into a movies based off of a book with skepticism, just because I know how awful many of them are. But even from the trailor I could tell it would be good. Really, it was fantastic and actually went above and beyond most productions of books made into movies. I can't wait to see it again when it comes out on DVD!

Yesterday afternoon (Saturday), we went to the Cinco de Mayo Fiesta downtown. It was fun but really hot. I was hoping they would have more to do also; it wasn't what I was expecting. I mean, who puts on a Cinco de Mayo Fiesta and has vendors selling Funnel Cakes and Chicken-on-a-stick? Thankfully there was one great vendor who made real tacos with chorizo y queso (mexican sausage and cheese). I ate 2 and they were delicious! The music was great too...several bands that were the real deal. I loved watching all of the people dance on stage too. It made me miss Mexico badly! We left early because little man got fussy. I really thought it was due to him being tired, but obviously today I can tell he was feeling bad then as well. :-/

Then last night Paul took me to an awesome all-you-can-eat lobster buffet at one of the casinos. The only time I've ever been in a casino was to eat. They have GOOD food, haha! This buffet last night though was some of the best food I've ever eaten. For $20 (I made Paul tell me how much it was going to cost before we stepped foot in the door) you could literally eat yourself sick on whole, steamed Maine lobsters. And it cost less than a plate of food with 1 small lobster tail at Red Lobster! Besides the gazillion lobsters, they had all kinds of other amazing things to eat. Tons of other seafood items, plus other yummy food, a huge salad bar, and the best chocolate truffle cake balls I've ever had! MMmmmm, I can still taste the lobster though...definitely the best part.

This morning, even though I woke up feeling awful, and we decided not to go to church, I still felt like royalty. I walked into the dining room to find donuts, a dozen roses, and a beautiful necklace with a mother and baby forming a heart. I guess DH got up early to set all of that up for me. :) I was so stunned and can't believe he did all that for me. I definitely don't feel like I deserve all that he did for me this weekend.

Anyway, the best part of everything was of course knowing that all this celebration is due to the fact that I have a sweet baby boy to take care of today! If it weren't for him, I wouldn't get to be a Mama. And I am so glad I am HIS Mama. Stephen was meant for me, and I was meant to be his Mama. It is sad to say, but I am just now finally realizing that God didn't make a mistake when he gave me my little guy. I used to think that. That God should have given him to a mother who was way more equipped to handle everything we've been through. But just as a I heard when I went to seminary and in the ministry, He doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. I believe now that He called me to be Stephen's Mama. And that is the best mission field I could ever hope for!!

To all you Moms out there, especially godly Mamas, new Mamas, and Mamas who have babies with difficulties or challenges, I ask God to bless you and give you a giant dose of His love today!

new therapy...

2011-05-04T17:26:00.010-05:00

So, we have begun our new therapy schedule here at home since we are no longer at Baylor. I am REALLY excited to say that last night, and a little bit today while sleeping, Stephen actually sucked on a pacifier and it did NOT fall out of his mouth!!! He has never done that, not once, since he was born. This means that his oral motor strength is improving with the therapy and from me working with him at home. I noticed he has been sucking on his tongue alot lately, and he was again last night after Daddy rocked him to sleep. I gently put the pacifier near his lips, and he sucked it in. I think he held onto it for about an hour because I just sat there and watched amazed. I couldn't even sleep I was so excited. Most moms don't get a gigantic thrill out of their baby sucking a pacifier, but I sure did! :)

Our new goal is for him to be completely G-tube free by his 2nd birthday. One thing I was told by the doctor is that once the tube comes out, it is very hard to get back in because the surgical opening begins to close and heal immediately. So, even once he starts drinking/eating everything orally, we will still have to leave the feeding tube in for a few months to make sure he no longer needs its for sure and certain.

Since I no longer have my Facebook account, the prayer group/event for Stephen on Facebook got deleted somehow. I made my hubby the Administrator of the group and revoked my membership before leaving, but the event still was deleted because I was the creator. :( This is awful since we had over 600 people in the group. However, through my husband's Facebook, we were able to re-create the event group. If you read this and want to re-join, please click here:

Pray for Baby Stephen Michael Prayer Event on Facebook

Also, we are selling t-shirts still and have a LOT more than we need! I was really hoping more people would buy one. They are $15 a piece if you pick one up, or $17 if you would like it shipped. They are a great way to help us out with medical costs. All proceeds go directly into our savings account for Stephen's medical costs. His feeding supplies, doctor's visits, therapies, and everything else really add up, and our insurance doesn't cover the total cost. :-/ If you would like one, please leave a comment here or message my husband through the group on Facebook!

Also, I am asking for you to pray for healing for Stephen's ears. They are ALWAYS driving him nuts and of course, we are constantly going to the doctor to check for infections. He always has fluid in his ears but we are hoping to avoid tubes since he has already had surgery and been under anesthesia enough. Thank you for praying!

To everyone who I left on Facebook that has continued to keep up with us, thank you. There are a million reasons I deleted my account, but it has already proven itself to be an awesome decision.

I will make sure to update here continually, and also make sure my husband updates for me on the Facebook prayer event for Stephen! For "status updates" I am using Twitter, and I am able to do that just as often as I would have on Facebook. They are in a box to the right, under Stephen's picture, so you can check them if you don't have Twitter!

Finally, you can "chat" with me or leave me a message here, to the right, in the CBox. :)

Love and blessings to our friends. +

patriotism vs. faith

2011-05-02T13:15:00.005-05:00

Let me start by saying that this post will make many of you angry, especially fellow friends I have who are in the military. That is okay with me. I have offended more than one person in my lifetime for speaking what God has put on my heart. Of course, when I am told I am wrong, it usually comes from another who says it was what God put on their heart. If this was on Facebook, I'd probably spark the debate of the century. But since my Facebook is deleted, finally, I feel a bit more "safe" writing here. I can at least read comments before they are posted and a further debate won't happen from people who comment about those comments that offended them.

We live in a country that has taken the idea of pride and patriotism to another level. We are totally convinced that because we are proud of our country, which we also think is a "Christian" country, we therefore have faith in Jesus Christ.

A terrorist who has done unimaginable, horrible wicked things to others in this world (NOT just the United States) has been killed. Our country chose to use this as an occasion to celebrate, to party. The things I saw and heard people say about this happening were just as unimaginable and horrible as the things that the one who was killed did. I was utterly disgusted by many military folks who spoke these words and also call themselves "Christian" just because they aren't Jewish, Muslim, or athiest. An occasional acknowledgement of the existence of God does NOT make you a Christian. If you can rejoice in another person's death, no matter how evil this person was, then you do not know the heart of Christ. If you use filthy language on your Facebook status and yell to the masses "chop off his f****** head," you are NOT a Christian. Or even if you pray and ask God to protect the soldiers and Americans, but you don't pray for the people who have to LIVE in the same country as these terrorists, then you are not a Christian.

We need to go back to our Bible's and read what Jesus said. We are to LOVE our enemies. PRAY for those who persecute others. Go to the ends of the earth with GOOD news, not hateful threats of brutality.

Every single man's heart on this planet is turned away from God and against what is good because of sin. There is not a one of us who isn't wicked in some way in our hearts.

We are fighting a battle that has been going on since Adam and Eve took a bite of the apple. It is NOT a battle of flesh. It is a battle against Satan, who has manipulated mens' evil hearts that have resulted in evil deeds and actions. But here lies the problem. All of us have ugliness in our hearts. Some of us murder in our hearts; others murder through physical ways.

No justice has been done because You-Know-Who has died. There is only ONE man who has ever been on this earth who brought about TRUE justice through His death, and His name is Jesus Christ. You can say what you want about that, but I can guarentee you that the pain people feel over their loved ones' deaths from 9-11 will not be appeased just because another person died. There are more terrorists left. There will ALWAYS be terrorists on this planet until Jesus Christ returns and sets up His Kingdom, a Kingdom that won't include anyone with hate in their heart, even hate against another terrorist.

Last night as I watched the USA cheer over this terrorists death, I thought about how Jesus was feeling. No doubt that You-Know-Who had already met his Maker. As I thought about this, and sat watching with my husband soldier, who was also disgraced at the cheers of the crowds, I thought about Christ's reaction.

I thought about the tears pouring down Jesus' face as he met You-Know-Who. I could almost hear Him say "O___, I loved you. I gave My life for you. Why did you hate Me? Why did you speak against Me? I poured out My blood for you, so that you could be set FREE from sin and death. So that you could live with Me forever. And now it is too late."

THIS is what I felt last night. Not joy. Not happiness. Not relief. Not justice. But I felt the pain of Jesus as He met another human created in His image who the real Enemy, Satan, won to his side.

My faith in Jesus Christ has absolutely nothing to do with how I feel about my country. There are Christians who live in other countries that are not, and never have been, founded on religious principles, and their faith in God is 10 times stronger than my own, and it is BECAUSE they live in a country that has been won over by the Enemy's schemes. They could care less about patriotism because they know that in the end, nation will fight against nation, and all nations will fall, and the true Kingdom will come about.

That Kingdom is the one I choose to live for. I am a military wife, and I am not living for the military, or my country, or a flag. I am living for Jesus Christ. I bow down and salute to Him. I find justice in the shadow of the Cross. And the only revenge I seek is against the Enemy who seeks to destroy and control every man's heart, and has won over the hearts of those who have the audacity to call themselves a follower of Him.

For those of you who want to make a difference, do something like this instead: www.atfp.org

can anyone hear me?

2011-04-29T09:58:00.005-05:00

I've been debating about writing this post for a few days now but I guess it will help me to get it out. Maybe somebody is listening.

I feel absolutely and utterly alone these days. Even when people are around, I feel like I'm in a black hole. Its not because of me, of course. Its because of my child.

Just when I think we *might* have one part of his problems solved, something else pops up. Or just when it seems like he's doing better, he gets worse again and I am left to figure out, from the million different possibilities, what is going on now. It's exhausting and I'm really, really tired of fighting this battle alone.

There are other women out there who have children like mine, but I don't know any of them personally or well enough to ask for a shoulder to cry on.

Honestly, I think people are tired of hearing about Stephen's problems. I get this impression alot, even from family members and friends.

There are DAYS that go by without a single person calling me or calling to see how we are. We have been attending a church over here who has been praying for Stephen, but no one has offered to help or to just come sit with me for a little while. I would give anything for that.

I also get the impression from some people that they think I am over-exaggerating things or just being dramatic.

For one second, one minute, just imagine, IMAGINE, that your child cannot and will not eat/drink a bottle, for months (I'm not talking a few days when he/she is under the weather). Just think about it. 24/7, all the time, day and night, praying your baby will drink that 3 oz. bottle in his sleep, and praying that he won't wake up and fight and spit it out and everything else. What would you do? Really, WHAT would you do??

If it hadn't been for people on the internet whose children are going through the same thing, I still don't know what we would be doing. If it hadn't been for doctors who *finally* listened after they watched him start choking and being unable to breathe from the reflux shooting into his nasal cavity, I don't know what we would be doing.

I'm reading an awesome book right now, a devotional, for Moms of babies that have medical issues, and I keep reading about all of the people who came to love and support this Mom when her child was dealing with cleft palate (and couldn't eat). The Body of Christ surrounded her.

This is what my heart longs for.

Yes, I have a relationship with Jesus. Even amidst all the chaos, I still manage to have a quiet time at night, though some nights they are very short. Alot of that time is spent crying. Alot of it is begging God to intervene. Alot of it is laying hands on Stephen. Thankfully the devotionals in that book are short. I have a feeling nobody would want to read my journal writings b/c it would be too hard to deal with.

Is that it? Is that why people treat me like I should just put my "big girl" panties on and suck it up and deal? Because its too hard for them to deal with???

I am truly afraid to reach out to anyone because there are so many who have rejected me. I am scared to death that people are going to talk about me behind my back, or look at me like I'm crazy, or just ignore me and never even respond.

I've had people ask if I'm depressed and then recommend seeing a psychologist/counselor. Yes, I am "depressed" if that is what you want to call it. It's called situational depression. I don't have post-partum depression. I am not bi-polar or manic depressive. I don't have crazy mood swings. I love my child. I WANT him in my life. Every day, all day long, I am devoted to his needs and his alone. I don't care anymore if I get a shower or get to wear make-up or whether or not I get to watch the latest sitcom. I am out of the picture for now...Stephen comes first.

My heart burns and aches for my baby boy. Every day I wake up with a horrible feeling in my gut, a fear, that has been there since day 1 of Stephen being in this world. And it is a very REAL fear, not some made-up farce about my baby. I wake up every day and pray and ask God to let this be the day he is healed. For him to want to eat. For him to start doing things developmentally like he should be. For him not to reflux.

I am not sure anyone realizes this, but when Stephen refluxes, he is in danger of choking to death. He is on an adult dosage of Prevacid and had SURGERY to correct this problem, and it still is happening. When he wakes up congested, and he isn't sick, I know its because during the night the acid got into his nasal cavity. One minor mistake of him breathing this in can lead to pneumonia or him literally not being able to breathe. This is what I go through every day and night. Is is any wonder that I'm completely worn out?

I know people are sick of hearing about it. I'm not blind and can see Christian brothers and sisters leaving the prayer group/event on Facebook. There are people in my family and Paul's family who are known in their community for being leaders in the Christian faith. Not a single phone call or visit from any of them. It hurts.

I am a seminary graduate and have been on mission trips all over to give everything I have to people/children who have nothing. My husband is a Chaplain-in-training who gives his all for his fellow soldiers and has been in a war zone more than once.

I know it is easier for everyone to just roll their eyes, walk away, and pretend nothing is going on. But we ARE here. I am here. I am scared. I am tired. I am lonely. Can anyone hear me?

Can the Body of Christ please step up???

a Psalm for Stephen...

2011-03-30T11:34:00.013-05:00

We are getting ready to make t-shirts for a fundraiser in support of Stephen's medical costs, and I've been working on a design. As soon as the shirts are ready to order, I'll make sure everyone has the chance to get one!!! We are going to try and keep the cost as low as possible. Please wear a shirt and tell everybody you meet how good God is and how much you care about Stephen! On the t-shirt, I wanted to have a Scripture on the back because we want to give glory to God in the midst of all of this, no matter how hard things are. I searched for an entire day for the perfect Bible verse to put on the shirt, and I finally found one that I think is amazing. It is Psalm 107:8-9. However, all of Psalm 107 is beautiful, so I have written it below. Stephen's verse is in bold! Psalm 107 1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. 2 Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story— those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, 3 those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south. 4 Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle. 5 They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. 6 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. 7 He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. 8 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, 9 for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things. 10 Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness, prisoners suffering in iron chains, 11 because they rebelled against God’s commands and despised the plans of the Most High. 12 So he subjected them to bitter labor; they stumbled, and there was no one to help. 13 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. 14 He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains. 15 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, 16 for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron. 17 Some became fools through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction because of their iniquities. 18 They loathed all food and drew near the gates of death. 19 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. 20 He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave. 21 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. 22 Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy. 23 Some went out on the sea in ships; they were merchants on the mighty waters. 24 They saw the works of the LORD, his wonderful deeds in the deep. 25 For he spoke and stirred up a tempest that lifted high the waves. 26 They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths; in their peril their courage melted away. 27 They reeled and staggered like drunkards; they were at their wits’ end. 28 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. 29 He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. 30 They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. 31 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. 32 Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people and praise him in the council of the elders. 33 He turned rivers into a desert, flowing springs into thirsty ground, 34 and fruitful land into a salt waste, because of the wickedness of those who lived there. 35 He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs; 36 there he brought the hungry to live, and they founded a city where they could settle. 37 They sowed fields and planted vineyards that yielded a fruitful harvest; 38 he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased, and he did not let their herds diminish. 39 Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled by oppression, calamity and sorrow; 40 he who pours contempt on nobles made them wander in a trackless waste. 41 But he lifted the needy out of their affliction and increased their families like flocks. 42 The upright see and rejoice, but all the wicked shut their mouths. 43 Let the one who is wise heed these things and ponder the loving deeds of the LORD.

a mother's heart...

2011-03-13T13:06:00.004-05:00

(I wrote this poem several nights ago while in the hospital with Stephen...couldn't sleep and it just came out).
A Mother's HeartBy Sara F.

A mother’s heart
Is a beautiful place
Where her children dwell
Within God’s grace

Through wind and rain
And fire and cold
A mother’s heart
Will not grow old

A mother gives
Her all each day
No matter what
May come her way

Her children know
She is always there
When life gets hard
She’ll always care

She holds them close
And says ‘never fear’
While God holds her up
And wipes her tears

God created
A mother’s heart
To be like His
Right from the start

He gives her strength
When she is weak
So a mother’s heart
Grows tender and meek

He gives her mercy
When she does wrong
So a mother’s heart
Sings a heavenly song

And He gives His Love
When her heart is broken
So a mother’s heart
Remains wide open

Stephen's Story (part 5)...

2011-03-04T15:55:00.005-06:00

Things with our little guy have gotten bad again. Right now we are in the hospital and have been here since Sunday with a baby who refuses to eat anything at all. :(

We've done test after test and everything has come back normal, and the physicians, therapists, and surgeons here are clueless as to what is going on.

Basically he is living off of IV fluids and the little tiny bits (1/2 oz, 1 oz) of formula I can get down him every so often. Amazingly he has lost hardly any weight which is a miracle itself!

However, there is an amazing Infant Feeding Program at Baylor Hospital that we are fighting for him to go to, for 4 weeks, in Dallas, TX, where they have kids who are special cases JUST like Stephen and have been able to help.

Every single doctor we have spoken to knows it is the best thing to help him, but we have to act fast. Baylor has agreed to admit him by Monday as long as we can get everything done to go by then.

We have been so scared and worried, but God is taking care of our angel and of us. The main issue at this moment for us to go to Baylor is money. We are a Christian military family whose insurance has been denied for no reason at this point, though we have a lot of higher-ups fighting for us to be able to get coverage.

Baylor needs $6,000 up front for Stephen to enter the program, and several more thousand after that for his treatment, for our stay, travel costs, etc...

If you would like to donate anything to help us, please click on the link to PayPal on the right that says DONATE! We would be BEYOND grateful for anything you can give, even $1.00.

More than that, we covet your prayers for our little boy. Stephen needs God's healing touch badly and we do believe that the feeding team at Baylor can be His hands also.

THANK YOU for praying and for loving us and supporting us at this time!!!!

i didn't care...

2011-01-24T16:11:00.006-06:00

This past week has been really awful. Not for me...thank my Jesus for that. But for someone I dearly love. This person has been through unimaginable heartache and pain, and they are stuck in a situation that due to their circumstances and the "unfairness" of life, they cannot get out of on their own. It's also a situation that could cost this person their life...both physically and spiritually (emotionally and mentally as well). I am not allowed to share what has been going on, but I can say that there is a young person out there right now who desperately needs to know they are loved both by God and by others. PLEASE pray for this person. My heart is SO heavy for them.

Lately I find myself having more compassion for people and what they are going through than I used to. To be perfectly honest, when things in my own little world were easy and perfect before having a hard time with my sweet baby boy, I really didn't always care when friends or family were hurting. A lot of times I just judged the situation without even knowing what was going on. It was SO very wrong of me, and I hate that it took my own brokenness to realize the brokenness of others.

I don't know why it is so easy to become immune to the pain of others, but I do know that it is not good, and definitely NOT a part of what we are called to be as Christians. And I am so sorry that I just stopped caring.

What is it about the world that teaches us to only be concerned with ourselves and our own lives? Why do we, even those of us who love God and try to live for Him, like to live in an alterate reality where nobody ever has any problems, any heartache, any difficulty, any anything that looks less than "together?" Never once in the Bible does it say that because we are Christians we will have lives without trial or tribulation. Never once does it say that we should ignore the cry of help from others because as Christians we should have our lives figured out. Never once does it say that we should act like we have our own lives figured out while looking down on others because they don't. Never once does it say that we should shut off all emotion, all compassion, all understanding for what others are going through.

I've been reading the Sermon on the Mount again (one of my favorite passages in the NT), and really pondering over what Jesus was trying to get across to His followers. The Beattitudes are way more than just a sugary ideal that a few of us should maybe try to live up to (one day). They really encompass what the Christian and his life should reveal. Unfortunately, my life has not always looked that way. But in a strange fashion, I am comforted by His words...that we are blessed when we mourn, when we are meek, when we are hungry, etc... Funny how the very things that leave us feeling "unblessed" at times are the things that we NEED in order to be blessed.

I am praying for more compassion. Praying that when I hear of a brother or sister in Christ who is facing a challenge, struggling in a marriage, suffering from a loss, hurting over lack of ___, drowning in heartache, or anything of the like, that I will look on them with LOVE and compassion and understanding, regardless of whether I actually understand what they are going through or not. I'm praying that when I say to them "I'm praying for you," that I actually MEAN it...that I get on my knees for them and ask God to heal them, comfort them, give them strength, and intercede on their behalf.

Will you do the same for others?

Stephen's Story (Part 4)

2011-01-20T14:08:00.004-06:00

After the surgery, baby boy didn’t do anything but sleep for hours and hours. He fussed a little when we changed his diaper and when the nurses came to check on his bandages, IV, etc. But for someone who just had surgery, he was such a sweetheart…all of the nurses commented on how he had the best little disposition, despite the fact that he was probably in pain and didn’t know where he was. When he finally did wake up later that night, he actually smiled at his night nurse and tried to “coo” at her. :-) Dr. God-Send came to the room a couple of times to check up on him as well. He commented on how great he was doing each time. He wanted us to try and get him to drink as much Pedialyte from a bottle as possible so that he wouldn’t reject the bottle completely after the surgery (one of the possible complications of this type of surgery is that it can make some babies hate to eat even more, but it is pretty rare for that to happen).

At first he didn’t want to drink anything, but then it got better. He was pretty out of it from the pain medication even while drinking from the bottle, but that helped him to not be afraid of it. He could only drink tiny bits at a time. However, he was doing well compared to a lot of babies who have the surgery. I just kept praying that things would continue to get better with time.

We stayed in the hospital for 2 days after the surgery to make sure Stephen would drink/eat well before going home. On the 2nd day of our stay, the doctor wanted us to try his formula again. Thankfully Stephen was able to drink it, though again, he could only handle little bits at a time. But at least he was keeping it down completely and not choking on it either!

The doctor/surgeon warned us that Stephen’s recovery would take time, as little as 2 weeks or up to a month, for the swelling to go away, his stomach to stretch back out and for him to eat like a normal baby. It was almost like bringing home a newborn again. He had to eat every 2 hours because he could only eat little bits, so we went back to getting no sleep. The doctor also said it was possible he would lose some weight after the surgery, but not to be alarmed because he would probably gain it back and then some once he could eat more again.

Things continued to be difficult for a few weeks. Stephen finally got to where he could eat every 3 hours and eat a little bit more at a time. But he would still fight the bottle at times too. We went to our follow-up appointment with the surgeon to see how he was doing, and I was really scared when they weighed him. He had lost 2 oz., but the doctor said that was a very small amount and not to worry. He scheduled another follow-up appointment for 2 weeks later.

Gradually, things started to improve. Stephen was fighting the bottle less and less, and starting to eat more again. I could lie him down flat on his back for the first time since he was born without worrying about him choking to death! Since we had gotten the okay from the doctor, we traveled to my parent’s house in my hometown so I could attend a baby shower of a really good friend. While at my parents,' Stephen suddenly began to act like a different baby! He began eating like crazy and eating more at a time, and he was hardly fighting the bottle at all! He acted like he actually wanted to eat for the first time in a long, long time!! He ate so much during the day that at night we were able to sleep 4 1/2 - 5 hours straight through, which had never happened before. I was shocked and amazed and beyond thrilled that things were so drastically improved. I think I actually danced from happiness the one night before bed! We returned home a few days after the baby shower feeling like we were finally on the road to normalcy!

However, when we got home, Stephen started acting fussy and fighting the bottle. He also started chewing on everything and eating his hands, along with drooling. He had definitely started teething! Then he started acting like he didn’t feel good, and I took him to the doctor to discover he was teething and had a virus. :-(

So here we are now.

Stephen is still a bit under the weather, and the teething thing is awful. He continues to fight the bottle some, but he is eating, and to me, that is all that matters! I keep praying that as time goes on, things will continue to get better and better.

Some things I have learned the past 4 months: (1) Listen to your heart/your gut/your Mommy intuition/Holy Spirit when you know something isn’t right. Don’t listen to what everybody else says, even if they think they have good advice or try to scare you or try to make you feel nuts. FIGHT for your baby and don’t give up, no matter what!!! (2) You are stronger than you feel and when you think you can’t possibly go on, God gives you the extra strength somehow. (3) Walk by faith, not by sight. (4) Love IS enough to keep you going, esp. when it is God’s love, whether you believe He loves you or not at the time. (5) You can be a good mom even if you can’t be the kind of mom you thought you were supposed to be. (6) You won’t go to hell if you can’t breastfeed your baby (thanks for that quote ____, you know who you are)! (7) It’s easier to judge others when you feel like you’re being judged yourself. God obviously gives us really hard times to humble us.

One of the saddest things is that I am beyond terrified of having any more children. I absolutely do not want another C-section. And I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to VBAC either. Nor do I want the emotional trauma of failing to breastfeed again. We’ve talked seriously about adoption, which was already something we really wanted to do even before we got pregnant. I wish I could go back and change things, or peer through a looking glass to see what might have gone wrong while pregnant. The truth is, I don’t think I’ll ever know. But whatever happened, I don’t want to put a son or daughter through it again. I don’t want to be the cause of another precious baby’s hurt and pain.

So, there are still parts of me that are trying to stay cold and bitter towards things that have happened and towards people who have stomped all over my heart. There is a lot of brokenness in me from everything that has happened, and a lot of unnecessary guilt and feelings of failure. My heart still hurts. And sometimes I am angry with God. It know is going to take time for that to heal, but I am thankful that the Healer hasn’t left me. More than that, I am thankful the Healer has had His hand on Stephen since I found out I was pregnant over a year ago. I continue to ask “why” about everything, and I feel like it’s not fair that we had to struggle so much. I don’t know if I’ll ever have an answer to most of my “why” questions. But I do know that I’m going to be okay, that Stephen’s going to be okay, and that if God can get us through what we’ve already been through, He can get us through anything that may happen in the future!

Stephen's Story (Part 3)

2011-01-11T21:31:00.005-06:00

One day, several weeks ago, I called the Pediatrician (I had “fired” the awful GI doctor) after Stephen had blood in his spit-up. I told the receptionist on the phone it was an emergency, and I brought Stephen, along with with spit-up bib to his office. While there, he projectile vomited all of the bottle he had just drank. I begged him to tell me what to do to help my child. I felt like my baby was at rock-bottom and something serious was going on. I remember the Pedetrician putting his head into his hands to think. He suggested trying to up the dosage of his reflux medication for a few days, and if that didn’t work, we should think about going to see a Pediatric surgeon.

2 days later, after no change with the dosage of medicine, DH and I decided to take Stephen to see the Pediatric surgeon. I immediately felt peace when I met this doctor; he was gentle, caring, and honest. I won’t give out names on here in case of internet searches, but I nick-named him Dr. God-Send (not only was he a great doctor, he was a Christian…he had a picture of Jesus in his office, with pictures of all of the children he had helped surrounding Him). For once I didn’t feel like some crazy woman making up stories or being dramatic about my child, because he understood.

He sat us down and explained to us what he thought was going on. The blood in the spit-up was most likely due to an acidic ulcer trying to form on the lining of Stephen’s stomach, or it was from his poor little esophagus being literally burned from so much coming up. However, his main concern was the choking. He had heard of babies’ whose parents had ignored GERD like Stephen’s, and the babies would either fail to thrive or end up dying from pneumonia or choking to death.

Dr. God-Send gave DH and I two options. The first one was to continue down the road we were on, with forcing Stephen to eat, feeding him in his sleep, trying a million different medicines, and not sleeping/not turning our backs for fear of something happening to him, until he grew out of it (which could take up to 2 years, if that). The second option was to correct/strengthen his esophagus and stomach by doing what is called a Redo Laparoscopic Nissen Fundoplication surgery. The doctor told us exactly what would happen during the surgery, and he laid out all the risks and possible complications so we were aware of what we would be doing if we chose that option. He had us go home to think and pray about it, and to call him later on his cell phone (the only doctor I’ve ever met who gave me his personal cell phone number).

My immediate decision was NO to the surgery. It terrified me. I knew he needed to have something to help him, but I couldn’t bear the thought of him being cut open or having scars for the rest of his life. I felt sick to my stomach and couldn’t think. DH prayed and prayed and interceded for me and Stephen when all I could do was cry.

After lots of praying, crying, asking God for a miracle, we decided to go through with the surgery the next week. We called Dr. God-Send and let him know of our decision, and he assured us that he believed we were doing the right thing for Stephen. He said to call the nurse the next day and set everything up, and that we would have a healthy baby boy by Christmas.

The morning of the surgery came, and I could barely stand up. I kept feeling like I was going to pass out. I couldn’t look at Stephen without bursting into tears. Dr. God-Send met us in the pre-op room and explained everything that would take place again before, during, and after the surgery. He gave us the option to back out one more time, but we felt like it was right. I just held and rocked Stephen until he fell asleep. Then the nurses came and let us say goodbye to Stephen for just a little while. We were to go to the PICU and put our things in Stephen’s room, then come back to the waiting room (the scariest place on earth) until the doctor came out or they called us to come back to recovery.

The hour and a half we spent in that waiting room was the longest hour and a half of my life. DH went to get us something to eat, and then we just sat and waited. Finally Dr. God-Send came into the waiting room to let us know how things went. As soon as he said Stephen was doing great, I gave him a huge hug. He said the procedure went perfectly, but the amazing thing was a birth defect they had found as well. Stephen also had what is called a hiatal hernia. This is a condition in which a portion of the stomach protrudes upward into the chest, through an opening in the diaphragm. The diaphragm is the sheet of muscle that separates the chest from the abdomen and is used for breathing. Babies can be born with this condition and it can make GERD worse. Dr. God-Send was able to repair the hernia as well, and if they hadn’t have found that problem also, Stephen could have gotten worse as he got older.

Soon after, we were called back to recovery. It was awful seeing my precious little boy hooked up to an IV and monitors and everything else. I felt awful and even though I knew in my heart it would help him, I was still scared I made the wrong decision about the surgery. We were finally allowed to hold him, and not long after we went with him to his room in the PICU.

(To be continued...)

Stephen's Story (Part 2)

2011-01-09T19:41:00.005-06:00

My poor baby had already experienced so much trauma and pain up until now with eating that he began to refuse to eat at all some times. I would do everything I could to get him to eat, and he still would throw an absolute fit. I didn’t want to force him and make things worse, but sometimes I would have to force him to eat. Even then I could only get a few ounces down him at a time. To make matters worse, I had family members and “friends” make me feel crazy when I’d tell them that he wouldn’t eat…it was always “he’s a baby, he’ll eat when he’s hungry.” But nobody understood, and I didn’t know how to explain.

I researched constantly online, and I joined a few Mommy groups for support and advice. I could not believe how many babies out there had the same thing as Stephen. It was unbelievable. In one group alone, called “Food and Bottle Refusal,” there were 3,000 members! I was stunned. It was sad, but also good to know that my child wasn’t the only one who hated eating. Several people who had babies with GERD (Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease) like Stephen said to try “dream feeding.” That is when you feed a baby while they’re sleeping so they don’t really know they are eating and can suck the bottle without realizing it. This actually worked quite well, but it was exhausting feeding him while he slept at night rather than during the day. For a little while, despite the utter exhaustion from constantly trying to feed Stephen all night long, it seemed like soy formula with GOBS of rice cereal worked. I was a bit more hopeful. He was still throwing up but not nearly as much.

However, at this point things turned even worse. Along with refusing to eat most of the time, and throwing up half of what he ate, Stephen started having breathing episodes while choking. It was like watching someone suffocate my child. If he didn’t projectile vomit, the milk/reflux would go up through his nasal cavity and keep him from being able to breathe. He would choke and gag and struggle to get it out. It absolutely terrified me, and I called the Pediatrician crying hysterically the one day when he started turning purple-bluish-red. The main fear was him breathing in the reflux once it shot up into his nasal cavity. If he aspirated into his lungs, he could either get severe pneumonia, or he could “drown.”

The Pediatrician was truly worried at this point, particularly about choking as well as slow weight gain, and he referred us to a GI specialist. I had high hopes that we would finally get some answers. At first we were really hopeful as the new doctor seemed to want to help. Then, I called him one day after Stephen choked and asked him what I should do; this doctor was not very nice. He said I was overly anxious and the only problem with my son was that I needed to calm down (as if my son choking and vomiting was my fault). He put him on another 2 different medicines, as well as the best infant formula available (you can only get it by prescription). The doctor said to take out the rice cereal, which obviously did not work. So I went with my Mommy intuition and added it back in. It seemed to take several days before he got used to the formula, but once he did, it was a lot better. He was not vomiting near as much as he had before.

Again, as usual while riding on the Reflux-coaster, things got bad again. The choking episodes continued, but more so at night. We bought an inclined infant positioner, and he started sleeping in that in our bed so I could hear him at night if he started choking/stopped breathing. I would lie next to him, listening to the reflux coming up into his throat and him struggling to swallow it back down. I couldn’t sleep for fear of him drowning in his reflux. I would lay in bed at night, praying to God he would be okay if I went to sleep. It was awful.

Then, even with the tablespoons of rice cereal, the vomiting started again too. I was an absolute wreck because there was nothing else my child could eat. I called the GI and again, got the cold shoulder. He said to me on the phone, and I quote: “If you’d like me to take your son from you for 3 months and give him back to you when he’s better, I’d be glad to.” :( I was so upset I just hung up the phone and bawled my eyes out.

During this time, there were many days and nights that I would I sit and wonder what I did wrong, if I hurt Stephen while he was in my womb, or if something was wrong with my body to make him sick as a baby, or if I could have prevented it somehow. I wondered if Stephen was hurting because I was being punished by God for bad things I’d done in the past. I wondered if I was a good enough Christian and that maybe if I was better, Satan would leave Stephen alone. I thought maybe if I was a better Mom too that I would know how to help my son, and that I would be able to get him to eat or keep him from throwing up or choking. I felt like everything was somehow my fault. So I just kept praying God would heal Stephen and it would all end, that I’d wake up from this “bad dream,” and that Stephen could be like all the other babies out there who loved to eat, gained weight, and were happy.

(To be continued...)

Stephen's Story (Part 1)

2011-01-05T19:39:00.002-06:00

I can’t believe how long it has been since I have written an actual blog. I’ve been working on this one for weeks, and it still is so long that I’ll have to publish it in parts.

My life has changed so much that I don’t even feel like the same gal who started this blog! In many ways, that is a good thing. In other ways, I know it is going to take a while for me to get back to feeling “okay” again.

Life has been nothing short of a physical, mental, emotional, spiritual roller-coaster since I was 9 months pregnant. This is going to be a rather long post because there is a lot to tell, though to me, it’s the shortened version.

So much has happened that has caused me to question everything about God, myself, and what my purpose is. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE my beautiful baby boy. I would go through it all again just to have him. But being a new Mom and going through all I have been through has really tried and challenged me to the breaking point, and there have been days where I just wanted to either jump through a window from frustration or crawl in a hole from a broken heart. However, the Lord has sustained us and though I still can’t see it, I know that He is using everything we’ve been through to make me (us) stronger.

I’ll go back to the 9th month of pregnancy. At my 38 wk. check-up, I had an ultrasound that (supposedly) revealed that I had IUGR (Intra-Uterine Growth Restriction). The doctor thought that the baby was not growing as he should be, and since he also thought my swelling and blood pressure had been a problem in the last few months (I was on partial bed-rest), he wanted to do a C-section. Now, the whole time I was pregnant, I knew that my due date was off. I measured small even from the beginning, and I kept telling him that I wasn’t as far along as he thought; however, I’m not one to argue about things like that and just said the baby would come when he was ready.

Let me tell you, when he said he didn’t think the baby was growing big enough, I was scared. And this doctor was pretty good at using the scare tactic. My little baby boy was not in any distress and had developed perfectly in the womb, but the doctor told me that if they didn’t get him out right away, the same thing could happen to me that happened to another woman a few weeks before – they didn’t get her baby out soon enough and he was born with “problems.” I couldn’t think straight, so I let DH make the decision for me to have the C-section.

The C-section was awful. I was so drugged up and in so much pain that I didn’t even feel like I’d had a baby. I just felt like I had surgery. I wasn’t allowed to hold my son until an hour or 2 after he was born, and though I had planned to breastfeed right away, I couldn’t do that until later also. I don’t even remember holding my child for the very first time. Actually, there are whole chunks of days and nights I don’t remember. But my son was healthy and okay.

Later, my mother and mother-in-law told me that they had spoken to the doctor after the surgery and had thanked him for all he had done. He replied, “Well, she was 38 weeks anyway, and it was just easier to get him out by C-section rather than try to wait until she delivered since her pelvis is small.” I literally cried for hours non-stop when they told me he said that. My pelvis and hips are not small, and it’s not like a 5 lb. 5 oz. baby is that big or hard to push out (though I’m sure he would have been bigger had I waited until labor began on its own)! I still shudder when I think about the possibility that a C-section was not necessary at all.

Then the infection issues with me began. I had a hideous urinary tract infection, a yeast infection that wouldn’t go away (which turned into thrush from breastfeeding), and I was allergic to the nickel staples they used to sew me up from the Cesarean (you’d think they would check for nickel allergies beforehand). I hurt so bad and felt so bad that I pretty much stayed in bed for the first month after the baby was born.

Then the breastfeeding issues came. When I finally did get to breastfeed for the first time in the hospital, it was awful. I was exhausted, and the baby was hysterical every time I’d put him to the breast. He would punch, kick, scream, etc… It would take us 45 minutes just to get him to latch on, and then he didn’t want to suck. I pumped what little colostrum I had and fed it to him through a syringe. It took 7 days for my real milk to come in, and even then it didn’t seem like I had much. Not to mention he wanted to nurse every 2 hours, and it took him forever to latch on, and then it took him another 40 minutes to eat. So he was literally on my breast 24/7. I didn’t take a shower for 5 days at one point. But I was determined to not give my child formula.

He finally started latching on a little without screaming, but it still took him an hour to eat. And even then, he would act like he was still hungry 30 minutes later. He would fight me and scratch me and punch me sometimes when he was trying to latch on. I continued pumping and saving what milk I had left after he nursed, because it often seemed like he didn’t empty my breasts. During this time my mother basically lived with us and did all of the household chores, cooking, and errand running. Thank God she was there. Then my mother-in-law came and gave her a break. DH was there too for the first month until he had to go back to work, and he helped me with the baby. Thank God he was there.

Then came the awful pain. My nipples were raw and cracked and bleeding, and I and the baby got thrush, which made it worse. I sought help from 2 La Leche League leaders, 3 lactation consultants, and a Cranio-Sacral therapist. You wouldn’t believe how much $$$ I spent to get the help. The LLL leaders determined that he wasn’t latching on right still, which was causing the horrible nipple pain. One of the LLL leaders said part of the problem was that my breasts were made too big for a baby who’s Stephen’s size. Talk about heart-breaking when I heard that.

2 of the lactation consultants said to give it up (not so great at their jobs), and the 3rd one said the problem was that he wasn’t opening his mouth wide enough (which was true) and that he had posterior tongue-tie. She referred us to the Cranio-sacral therapist, who helped his jaw and tongue some, but it still wasn’t getting much better. The good lactation consultant said to pump my milk and give it to him from a specialized bottle shaped like me, while my nipples healed (I used $50 nipple ointment) and while the baby got therapy. We continued this for a few weeks.

At this point, I felt like a zombie. I wasn’t sleeping well, and I was constantly crying. I was angry at the whole situation, though the anger never once affected my feelings for Stephen. But I knew that on the inside, I felt like I was falling into a dark pit I couldn’t get out of. I told DH that I needed to talk to someone about post-partum depression. So I went to my doctor and talked. He said it didn’t really sound like post-partum depression, but more like situational depression. He said to give it some time and if things didn’t get better in a few weeks, to think about getting on an anti-depressant. Of course, my initial thought was, there is no way I am getting on a pill while breastfeeding. So I decided not to, but rather seek professional Christian counseling instead.

My poor mother had to return to work, but since DH had to go back to work too and was gone 4 days a week, we packed up and went to stay with her in my hometown so she could continue helping me. I was struggling to keep up with pumping milk so he would have enough to eat, but at least he was eating. I still nursed him some, but it was easier to pump and feed it to him. Plus someone else could feed him and I could finally get a break. Yet he would often fight, scratch, and punch the bottle or whoever was feeding him. He acted like he was in pain, and I couldn’t figure out why.

Not long after this, the horrific spitting up and projectile throwing up started. At the same time, my milk supply started running out. The pediatrician said to drink tiny amounts of beer to up my milk supply. I also used a bunch of different herbs and drank more water than a camel every day. The beer actually worked, but the baby’s throwing up was getting worse. So the pediatrician said to try cutting out other things from my diet. I removed dairy, caffeine, shellfish, eggs, soy, and switched to non-alcoholic beer (which did nothing for the supply). It was awful trying to find things to eat. The pediatrician also put him on some medicine for reflux to see if it helped.

At this point also, I had given up nursing altogether. No matter what I did, I could not get him to open up his mouth. He always acted like it hurt him, which then hurt me physically. But it hurt so much more emotionally. I felt like crying all the time. I felt guilty and sick to my stomach when it came time for him to eat. I felt like a failure and one of “those moms” who didn’t care about their baby because I couldn’t breastfeed. I really think I would have sold my right arm and leg to make the breastfeeding work. I still long to breastfeed him, but there is nothing I could do. For awhile, I absolutely despised giving him a bottle, but in order for him to gain weight, it was more important that he got enough to eat.

However, the vomiting continued, and I was already a wreck from giving up nursing. But to make matters worse, I couldn’t keep anything down him. There were days where he would only urinate once or twice, and I knew he was somewhat dehydrated. I squirted Pedialyte down him with a syringe every hour while he was asleep at night. I took him to my old family physician, who is awesome with babies, and he was more than concerned. He spoke to the Pediatrician by phone (who was where we actually lived) and ordered several tests to be done at the hospital. The tests determined he definitely had severe acid reflux.

Both doctors suggested that I try some soy formula to see if that was any better. I mixed it with pumped breastmilk at first because he refused the bottle altogether if there was no breastmilk in it. That was okay for a few days, but the throwing up started again. Then the Pediatrician started him on 2 medications for the reflux and said to put rice cereal in his bottles of breastmilk, but that didn’t make a difference. Then he suggested giving him just formula with rice cereal and to eliminate breastmilk altogether. This of course broke my heart even further…I had worked so hard to provide my milk for him, which was supposed to be the best thing, and here I was being told to stop giving him my milk. But I tried it anyway (while crying at the same time), and it helped….for a few days again.

(To be continued…)

birth announcement!

2010-09-11T12:19:00.002-05:00

Announcing the birth of:

Stephen Michael

August 27, 2010

5 lbs, 5 oz.

17 inches

12:21 pm

Mommy and baby are doing well! More posts and pictures to come soon. :)

baby update - finally!

2010-08-25T10:02:00.003-05:00

Okay, so obviously my once-a-week baby updating has become a thing of the past, and though I've been meaning to write on here again, I haven't even thought about it that much. Really, I am basically just writing for myself (and maybe a few other sweet readers), so it hasn't been a priority these days!

Believe it or not, I am 37 1/2 weeks pregnant!!! I am so close I can just feel my baby boy in my arms. :)

DH and I decided to finally reveal our little guy's name. We really wanted to keep it a surprise, but that didn't happen because the few people we did tell decided to tell everyone else! It's okay, we are proud of the name we have chosen (though technically, DH chose it years ago), and it seems to fit our little guy already!

Baby boy's name will be Stephen Michael! :) Stephen means "crowned one" and Michael means "who is like God" or "chosen"!! Michael is also DH's middle name! We can't wait to meet our little Stephen!!!

I had NO idea how tough the third trimester would be though. Several weeks ago, I started feeling not so hot and was having a lot of issues with swelling, heart palpitations, lower back pain, and not being able to cool my body temp. down. My feet and ankles were so huge that it was scary to look at them, so I started to get concerned. It was a good thing I had a doctor's appt. that week, because my wonderful OB was a bit worried when he saw me. My blood pressure was slightly elevated, but nothing that pointed to pre-eclampsia or hypertension. He determined that I was super dehydrated but retaining water at the same time, as well as too much sodium in my diet. He decided to put me on bedrest for a week to see if I improved and said I had to cut out as much salt as possible and to drink a WHOLE lot more water and gatorade-like drinks. If I didn't get better, he was going to put me in the hospital on an IV.

Thankfully, I went to my appointment the next week, and things had improved a whole lot! I was still swollen (and I still am some), but he said it won't go away completely until the baby is born. So, he put me on partial bedrest only (I have to stay off my feet at least 12 hours a day) and continue the low-sodium, gobs of water diet.

So, here I am, sitting in bed off my feet, and starting to get impatient about the baby coming! I am now considered full-term, so if the baby came now he would be just fine! I can't even describe how ready I am for him to be here!!! We have everything set up for him and his nursery is finally complete (I will post pics soon).

I've been having lots of contractions (though they are sporadic and not time-able), and the Doc says I am 1 cm dilated and about 50% effaced already. But, really, that doesn't mean a thing...you can stay that way for weeks. DH and I are just praying that he comes sooner than later, because I am pretty uncomfortable! It is hard to get out of bed or even roll over in bed. I can hardly get in and out of the shower/bathtub without help, and all of my maternity clothes (except a select few) are too tight or small. I miss my regular jeans somethin' awful!

Baby Stephen weighs around 6 1/3 lbs. or so (based on the average baby of course) and is around 19 inches long. I do think he will be small because my tummy is still measuring a little small and both DH and I were small babies! But he is fully developed at this point!

My next doctor's appt. is Thursday, so I'm praying that I have progressed a bit more. We finished all of our childbirth classes, and I have been practicing my relaxation and breathing techniques, as well as comfortable positions to deal with contractions. I am determined not to be induced or have that C-section, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure my little guy is born safe and healthy. Doc and I went over my birth plan, and he signed it, so we are good to go with that. Now all we need is a baby who is ready to go! :)

I will try to update again before I go into labor, but if you'd like to get real updates, you can find me on Facebook (if you don't know my last name, comment me with your email, and I'll send it). I plan to have my DH update on FB from my cell phone at the hospital.

Thanks for reading, and please pray for everything to go smoothly. I am nervous, but we are trusting God with this, as with all things!

becoming a mother...

2010-07-14T12:04:00.003-05:00

On Friday, I will be starting my 8th month of pregnancy. I can hardly comprehend this!

As each week passes by (quickly I might add), I am getting more excited about becoming a Mommy. But at the same time, I'm getting more nervous as well.

I have always loved babies. I remember being a little girl, playing with my dolls, pretending to change their diaper and feed them. I remember thinking that when I grew up, I was going to be the best Mom in the world. Back then, anytime family friends came over with a new baby, I was enthralled. And even now, when I see one in the store or at church or somewhere else, I just melt. It doesn't matter what the little one looks like, I always have to stop and stare for a minute. I am still enthralled by the beauty of it all.

But now that it is me actually having a baby, a person growing inside me who I am about to become responsible for, I'm scared.

All these questions keep coming up. All those "what if's."

What if I am so exhausted/delirious in the beginning that I can't remember when I need to feed him again or when he had a last diaper change?

What if I get depressed?

What if there is something wrong with the baby and I don't know it?

What if I get too stressed out and overwhelmed that I forget to love him?

What if I can't represent Christ to my children?

What if I am so exhausted after taking care of a baby all day that I have no time for my husband, and our relationship falls apart?

What if my child grows up hating me for the mistakes I am praying I do not make?

These are just a few things that I'm worried about. Everybody says "oh, don't be worried, you'll be fine." Even new Moms like to tell me this. But I'm guessing that before they became a Mom the first time, at least some of these thoughts were on their mind and heart as well.

Yet, there is an amazing thing taking place inside of me.

There is a fierce, fierce determination welling up inside my heart that I've never felt before. A determination that I don't think I've ever had, though I've always been somewhat determined before. But this...this is a Mother's determination. A crazy, overwhelming determination that I believe God has given me to be the kind of mother that He is calling me to be.

This God-given determination is one that causes me to get on my knees a LOT these days, asking for His wisdom and guidance and help. It's a determination that stems from the intoxicating love I already feel for my child, a love that spurs me to want to do everything I possibly can to raise my child in a home that provides the love, peace, mercy, joy, and faith that he needs.

This determination is one that makes me realize that I cannot be passive about certain things, but rather be active. I'm not just going to sit around lazily watching my child grow up. I don't want to be selfish, feeding my own desires before my child's. I want to be there, to be involved. I want to play with him, to make him laugh, to wipe his tears, to help calm his fears. I want to be in the middle of something "important" like washing dishes, look over at his little face, and drop everything so that I don't miss one minute of watching the amazing things he learns and experiences as he grows. I don't want to be a Mom who just settles for providing material things like food, shelter, clothing, and entertainment. I want to make a difference in his life, to invest in it. I want to be the kind of Mom that Proverbs 31 calls blessed because her husband speaks highly of her and her children look up to her. I want to leave my baby boy a legacy.

I know that I will not be a perfect mother. That is impossible, because I am not a perfect person.

But I refuse to settle for the mundane Mommy-hood that so many people I know have. I want to look at my child as a miracle, even when there is dirt all over the floor and paint smeared on the couch, and remember how much his little life means to God. I refuse to see him as just "another kid" but to see him as God sees him, through loving eyes that visualize the potential and talents and gifts within him. I want to look at him and see a person that the Lord has fashioned perfectly for His will, whatever that may be.

I am leaning on and trusting in God to help me and give me the determination to not give up on striving for something bigger as a mother. Something more than just a duty. Something holy, pure, beautiful.

As the days are counted down to my precious son's birth, I am praying with a fierce determination that becoming a mother will make me more of the woman God has in mind for me. And despite my fears and my what if's, I know God is faithful and His mercies are new every morning. And that is something I can count on, even if or when I fail.

cabbage patch kid - 30 weeks...

2010-07-06T16:38:00.005-05:00

Wow, I didn't realize how long it has been since I did an update! First, I've just been really busy. Second, I've also been lazy, haha. Third, I'm getting more and more pregnant by the day, and sometimes I just don't feel like sitting at a computer. And, our internet has been down the past week.

I was surprised (and kinda sad) to see 0 (zero) comments about the ultrasound pictures on the last update. That's okay...if you missed them, you can go back! Isn't my baby boy the most beautiful thing you've ever seen??! :)

I can't believe I am 30 weeks pregnant! That means there are only 10 more weeks til my due date. WOW. I am SO ready though.

Most of what is occupying my time these days (when I'm "busy") is organizing our house and getting ready for a little one to join us. It's a lot of work getting the nursery, layette, and other things ready. Even baby-proofing takes some work!

My lil pumpkin is running out of space in my womb, as he is getting bigger and bigger! There is a pint and a half of amniotic fluid in there, but that volume decreases as he gains weight. Right now, he weighs around 3 lbs., and is about the size of one of these:

He's my cabbage patch kid! :D

Baby boy's muscles and lungs are continuing to develop and mature, though if he was born right now, he'd have a very high chance of being fine with some medical support (though I don't want that to happen!). Because his bones are soaking up lots of calcium, I'm now drinking more calcium-enhanced soy milk, as well as eating lots of yogurt, cheese, and other things. I'm also still taking those pre-natals every single day. Little lovie man's head is getting bigger too, to make room for his growing brain. Finally, his eyesight continues to develop, though right now its not that keen. Even after birth, his eyes will stay closed for the majority of the time, as a newborn has only 20/400 vision!

Here's how things look on the inside right now:

I'm constantly feeling movement these days. Some days I get kicked REALLY hard! Other days it just feels like he's pushing as hard as possible against my stomach or bladder (which is real fun if I'm not close the restroom!). Then other days, he rolls from one side to another in my tummy. The first time that happened, I had my hand lying on my stomach while lying down, and he went all the way from my right side to my left. It was freaky and amazing at the same time!

So, how is Mommy doing?

I have been pretty good, although some days I don't feel as good as I wish I did. In fact, yesterday my maternity pictures were scheduled, and I felt so blah that I couldn't get out of bed to go have them done. :( I just rescheduled, so I'm praying I feel better this Saturday.

2 weeks ago, the doctor told me I hadn't gained any weight in 4 weeks. The baby was fine, but if that continues, then it could be bad. Thankfully, we figured out why this was happening. Not to gross anyone out, but he prescribed Imodium and for me to eat more calories. I had IBS before the pregnancy, though in the beginning I wasn't having any problems. I'm basically having a hard time retaining anything because of the issue. The Imodium is helping some, but it seems like everything I eat goes through me. Please pray for me and baby boy about it!

Also, I have turned into the clumsiest person ever. I trip over everything, and I drop anything I pick up. Then I have to *try* to bend over and pick it up (ha). Me bending over right now is funny.

I'm very tired these days, but I'm also restless. It is getting harder to get comfortable at night, even with 100 pillows. My belly just gets in the way, haha. I am a stomach sleeper, and I miss that alot! Thats just one of the things I'm looking forward too after pregnancy. I also miss my regular jeans, though I'm sure I won't be able to wear them right after he's born!

Finally, my baby showers are coming up! I'm very excited about these. :) I'm looking forward to seeing a lot of people, eating some yummy food, and recieving a few gifts too. There are still some things I need for the little guy, but nothing that we can't purchase if need be. Thanks in advance to anyone coming to the showers!! If you'd like to come to one, please let me know. The first is July 18th, and the second one is the first weekend in August (not sure of the date). I'm registered at Target and BabiesRUs, both which have online things too!

I hope everyone has a great week, and I hope to keep updating every week before he's born! God bless. +

baby update - 27 weeks...

2010-06-19T11:41:00.006-05:00

This past week has been super awesome! Sweet husby has been gone for the past 2 weeks doing some military work down south, but I got to go visit him the last 4 days before he came home! We stayed in a beautiful camping area near the base he's at, which is set aside for military families only. They had an RV with air conditioning and everything for us to rent, and it only cost $5 a night!!! There was a lake nearby, and we went swimming on base also. It was fantastic.

The only thing I didn't have was internet, so I couldn't get online to do a baby update. I turned 28 weeks yesterday (Friday), but I'll do that update next week. :)

Last Thursday was the 4D Ultrasound!! I know you are ready to see those pictures, so here we go:

"Hi there, I'm baby boy Fleming! Aren't I cute as can be? I weigh about 2 lbs. here!"

"Everybody says I look just like my Daddy. I have his nose and profile. But, I also have Mommy's cheeks and rounder face!"

"I was not happy here. Mommy couldn't eat for 12 hours because of her glucose test, and the ultrasound tech. kept poking me to get me to turn. I don't usually play or kick at this time of day!"

"I really look like Daddy here! I was practicing sucking in and poking my lips out. Mommy was hoping I'd suck my thumb, but I didn't this time."

" They finally got me to turn a little bit, but I was still very shy and sleepy. I kept putting my hands over my eyes."

"No more photographs, please! I know I'm so adorable, but you'll just have to wait to see me until I come out in a few month." :)

At 27 weeks, baby boy is sleeping and waking at regular intervals, and I've pretty much figured out when he's sleeping or awake. I know he's awake if he's moving like crazy! He loves to kick and play at night the most.

Also, he can now open and close his eyes, though he won't see clearly until after his birth.

He can wiggle his fingers and his toes, and hiccups are common too (though I'm not sure if I've felt them yet).

With more brain tissue developing, baby boy's brain is very active now. While his lungs are still immature, they would be capable of functioning — with a lot of medical help — if he were to be born now.

So how is Mommy doing?

Well, I've been feeling pretty good, though tired a lot. I feel like I always need rest during the day, and I keep having lots of back pain and leg cramps.

I've also been feeling faint at times, but the doctor says that is normal. I'm now going to the doctor every 2 weeks again to monitor the baby closely as the third trimester is here!

I'm getting more and more excited about being a Mommy! All of the baby furniture is here, albeit not yet put together. My mom is finishing the crib bedding and accessories! The first baby shower is coming up in about a month. And I'm getting bigger!

Well, I need to get busy today, but I'll do another update soon. I hope you enjoyed the ultrasound pictures! Isn't my son the most beautiful thing you've ever seen!?! Okay, I may be just a little partial, haha.

Have a great week and God bless!

25-26 week baby update...

2010-06-03T12:07:00.006-05:00

Ever since school ended for the summer and work has ceased, my days and time have been very confused!

Alas, I am again late on my baby update, but that's okay, because now you get a 2-for-1 deal!!! :)

Tomorrow I am 26 weeks pregnant!

Here's my most recent belly shot:

Right now, baby boy is the size of an eggplant!

This week and next, baby boy is getting some pudge on him. He's starting to exchange the lean beef look for a pound and a half of chunky-ness! :) The wrinkly skin will start to smooth out also, making him look more like a newborn! He is also growing more hair on the top of his head, and if I could see him, I'd be able to discern what color and texture of hair he has (hmm...wonder what it will be?).

The network of nerves in baby boy's ears is better developed and more sensitive than before. He may now be able to hear not only my voice, but DH's too! He's inhaling and exhaling small amounts of amniotic fluid, which is essential for the development of his lungs. These so-called breathing movements are also good practice for when he's born and takes that first gulp of air. And he's continuing to put on baby fat.

Finally, his boy parts are changing too! The testicles are beginning to descend to where they are supposed to be - a trip that will take a couple of days! :)

I cannot wait to see my little man on the 4D Ultrasound next week! I am so excited.

So, how am I doing?

I've been feeling pretty good. Lately, I've been tired alot and some days, a bit shaky or light-headed. I've been lying down with my feet up a bunch. Also, to make sure it's not blood sugar or dehydration, I've been drinking gobs of water and juice!

Not really craving anything in particular these days. Coke hasn't really tempted me in awhile, and burgers are still good. But I don't have to have burgers now.

My sweet one has been kicking a ton still! He likes to kick at certain times, so I'm starting to figure out a pattern. It's definitely at night the most. And in the morning. And in mid-afternoon. He's kicking right now! :) I want him to kick lots and lots because its very reassuring that everything is fine.

I've started to get more nervous about the birth. I'm working on a birth plan, and I decided to get a doula. However, this doula is one I didn't hire. It's my sister! I know she is going to make sure nobody does anything to her "big sisser" that they're aren't supposed to do, or to her little nephew! I feel very at ease about having her there. And the only other person will be DH of course. :)

The thing I am most nervous about is the fear of not being able to give birth naturally or vaginally and having to have a C-section. I am, for some reason, terrified at the idea of a C-section. I'm not scared of the pain of a regular birth. I am scared of being cut open and not getting to hold the baby right away. I know...I'm weird. But I really am praying that the natural birth goes well.

Finally, my maternity pictures are scheduled for the beginning of July! :) I've been gathering ideas of what I'd like done, and I think they will be beautiful. The great thing is, my newborn session fee will be $0 since I'm doing my maternity photos with this studio!

That about wraps up this blog post. By the next baby update, I *might* be able to put some of the 4D Ultrasound pics up so ya'll can see them!!!

Have a great week and God bless. :)

corn baby - 24 weeks...

2010-05-26T08:53:00.008-05:00

It's that time again.

Time for a baby update, woohoo!

I am sure some of you are wondering what in the world my title means, but you're about to find out. :)

This week, my little lovie man is the size of an ear of corn - almost a foot long:

Amazing amazing! To think that he started out the size of a poppyseed just a few months ago blows my mind. I read in my What to Expect book the other day that if a baby grew after birth at the rate he grew inside my stomach, he would be 15 feet tall by 1 month!!! It's unbelievable how God does things.

So, this week, baby boy is continuing to grow at a steady rate. He gained four ounces just since last week! That puts him at just over a pound. :) I picked up a pound of ground beef the other day and kinda freaked out. Can't believe he weights that much already. I am so glad!

Baby is more like lean ground beef right now though, as he hasn't filled out yet entirely. He will start to plump up soon (and so will I)! His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon too!

Here is what things look like inside the womb right now:

So, how am I doing??

Hmm...aside from all the heartburn, achiness, bad sleeping, tiredness, and just feeling BIG, I'm doing great! :)

Really, I cannot complain. Right now I am enjoying being pregnant. The heartburn is fixable with Tums/lemon stuff. The achiness is fine when I have my feet up and am comfy. The sleeping isn't horrible once I find a good position and have my 15 pillows. The tiredness is cured by more sleep. And the bigness, well, thats not "curable" until little lovie comes out!

All in all, I feel better than I ever thought I would being pregnant. I always was afraid I'd hate pregnancy, but it has been way better than I expected so far.

The worst things (and also the best) are baby kicks, pokes, and jabs. Yesterday he kicked my bladder SO hard that I almost used the bathroom on myself. No kidding. It was so embarassing because I am sure my face said it all as I RAN to the restroom as quickly as possible. Then I just laughed and told baby boy that he was going to need to tone it down some if we were gonna make it to 9 months! :)

But, I still like it when he kicks. I love feeling him at night when I'm about to fall asleep, or in the morning when I wake up. I always want him to say "hi" whenever possible. I just wish his hello's weren't so forceful. He really is a Karate Kid! But he is also shy, because a few people still have not felt him kick.

In just a few short weeks, I will get to see every detail of my precious baby boy's face, hands, etc... when we do the 4D Ultrasound! I keep wondering what he is going to look like...or more so, who he will resemble. I hope he gets DH's nose and skin. DH hopes he gets my eyes and smile. We both think he will have blonde hair...maybe not when he first comes out, but probably later. I've always been naturally blonde, and DH was blonde when he was younger up until his teen years. Whatever he looks like, I know he will be adorable to me!

Hmm. Not much else going on. Lately I've been on this cooking craze, where I want to try out every new recipe that looks good and that I think DH and I will like. Maybe this is because I'll be out of school in a few days! I think I've written down about 25 new recipes to try in the past few days. Tomorrow night I'm going to make delicious Spicy Beef Empanadas (I use pre-made pie crust and make "pockets" with the dough) and a Chocolate Sheet Cake for DH. He gets to come home tomorrow night since he won't work Friday for Memorial Day weekend!

That's about it for an update! Thanks for stopping by to read again. :) God bless and have a great week/weekend!

23 weeks - baby update...

2010-05-19T14:10:00.008-05:00

So.

There is a BABY in my stomach. A sweet, adorable, little baby boy.

When I stop to think about it, I get weak in the knees.

I LOVE HIM.

I am head over heels, and I haven't even met him yet. Some days I just sit and stare at my belly, and then I'll feel a little kick or jab (and sometimes I'll have to excuse myself to the ladies' room), and I melt.

Can you just imagine him? Maybe not, since he's not your precious one. But those of you who are/have been pregnant understand. I close my eyes and try to imagine his beautiful little heart, beating so fast, growing stronger. I try to imagine his little cheeks and nose, and his little mouth sucking his thumb.

I try to imagine what he's doing in there. Not much probably, since he's pretty much confined to one area. But I still wonder what it must be like in the womb. I wonder if God whispers to him. Like Samuel in the Bible, mine has already been dedicated to the Lord. I know God has formed each and every part. I know God has already been filling him with His love.

Then I try to dream of what it will be like when he comes out. Oh my...that, I just cannot imagine. I've heard it said from so many that you just can't know what it is like until that little person, created in God's image, is placed in your arms to love and cherish. My heart swells at the thought of it.

I am now 6 months pregnant (according to What to Expect When You're Expecting). Others say it's not 'til 24 weeks, but I'm going by the book, haha.

Little lovie man is growing, growing, growing. And Mommy's tummy is growing, growing, growing too. :)

Here I am, expecting my very first basketball...I mean, baby!

Thankfully, I have only gained 10 lbs. so far. Doctor says I'm doing good and should stay on track if I keep eating healthy and getting some mild exercise.

So what is my little lovie man up to?

Right now, he weighs just over a pound and is about the size of a papaya still. Baby boy loves the sound of my voice and music. And according to research, he also loves it when I dance, due to the rocking and swaying. :) I'll dance for you baby boy!

Blood vessels are developing in the lungs to prepare him for breathing outside of the womb. Loud consistent noises, like dogs barking, vacuums running, and trains have become familiar now, and they won't faze him much once out of the womb.

At this point, I've decided I am going to give birth to the next Karate Kid or All-Star Soccer Champion. Sometimes he kicks SO hard that I sit straight up and almost lose my breath. Or have to run to the bathroom. I don't know if this is a good thing at only 6 months. DH freaks out when he feels it, but in a good way. :) Despite the oddness, I find the feeling of it more than welcome.

Here's a cool picture of what things are like on the inside:

How am I doing?

Well, good really!

Some days I am a bundle full of energy and want to get a million things done. Other days I am pooped and don't want to do anything. Making a baby is hard work. What to Expect says its like working out in the gym 24 hours a day!

I'm also having lots of cramps in my legs, hips and elsewhere at night, and a lot during the day if I sit/stand for too long. Thankfully, I have a very comfy bed. But I also have to have about 5 pillows, unless DH is here!

I am definitely hungry a lot. Food is awesome. But I really am being good about what I eat. I eat at least 2 helpings of veggies and fruit a day, plus extra fruit for snacks. I watch my sugar and sodium intake too. The craving for Coke has gone away for the most part, though it is still yumm-o. But I constantly want cold water. Burgers are still my best friend, though I have cut back tremendously. I heard eating too much cow can turn you into one. ;)

I have terrible "pregnancy brain" though. I mean, it is bad. I can't remember things. Like my keys when I leave in the morning. Or what I'm supposed to do after I use shampoo (next comes conditioner, duh). Or what lesson plan I had for the day in my classroom, even if it's written on the board. It is pretty funny - at least that's what DH says. I'm always afraid I'm going to forget something REALLY important, like to pay bills or something. But so far, nothing that drastic.

Our 4D Ultrasound is in 4 weeks!!! I can't believe by then I'll be 28 weeks along, and my little guy will look the same as he will when he is born (except bigger). I cannot WAIT to see him!

Baby showers are being planned...3 that I know of. I hope not more than that! I think any more would be completely overwhelming and too much.

House renovations are about to begin. We are turning our carport into a Master bedroom. This is so we can have an office in the smallest bedroom. The house is not that big, but this will make it a lot roomier for us with kiddos.

And, some great news is that my BFF is coming to live with me all of June! She has Pharmacy clinicals here in our town, and instead of having to find an apartment for that time, she's going to stay with me!! I can't wait. We haven't spent this much time together in YEARS. :)

Okay, getting hungry again. Thinkin' I want frozen yogurt! I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for reading!